November 1, 2011

October 24, 2011


Yes, I find this appealing. This video is funny, but the concept appealing.

October 16, 2011

Bad Influence

I was the bad influence. I was only a teenager. Due to life circumstances, I was forced to grow up at a young age. By the time I was old enough to drive, I was working full time to support myself. I lived with my older boyfriend. I was deemed the "bad influence" by an aunt and uncle, who didn't want me to influence their daughter, simply because I was living with an older boyfriend, out of wedlock. (My parents had granted my boyfriend legal guardianship) I was a good student, I was a good person, I was kind to others, I had morals. I digress....

Unbeknownst to them, their daughter was sneaking out at night and having unprotected sex with boys. She talked to me. I tried my best to steer her in the right direction. It was to no avail. I kept my mouth shut, because I knew that telling her parents would not do any good. They were so strict and allowed her no freedom as it was, and this was her way of rebelling.

Today, many many years later. I am now the "good one", and she "the trouble child". She continues to sleep around (without her husband's consent), she smokes, she does drugs (she's addicted to cocaine), and she neglects her daughter in her usual drunken and drugged stupor.

Oh, and did I mention that the aunt and uncle are both alcoholics, recovering crack addicts, aldulterists, and the uncle had a history of physically abusing the wife and kids?

And I was the bad influence???

October 8, 2011


My favorite character from the Black Dagger Brotherhood series.
I highly recommend these books to those who love BDSM, romance, action, and vampires.

                                                           *drools a little*

October 3, 2011

Rape Fantasy

Like many women, whether or not they admit it, I have rape fantasies. Due to his impotency problems, my former Sir was unable to indulge me in this. I had the offer and opportunity at the last camp event I attended, but was unable to indulge due to my husband's lack of comfort with trusting strangers (strangers to him, not me) with my safety. I completely understand where he is coming from and would probably feel the same way if the situation were reversed.

At camp, there was a "professional" crew who specialized in kidnapping. The kidnappee dictated the scenario, including limits and what they hoped to gain from the experience. The scene could be strictly scripted, or impromptu, left to the kidnappers discretion. All depending on what the kidnappee wanted. Many people were also present to observe and assist as needed. I stress, ALL limits are respected and safe words are in play at all times. Keep in mind, this is something that is consented by the "victim" in advance. There are official sign ups for the kidnappings that occur at camp.

I observed a few of these kidnappings, mostly with envy. These scenes were emotionally intense. There were always at least 4 kidnappers actively involved, one or two that didn't participate, they just helped make sure things ran smoothly. All of the "victims" were blindfolded, and mind fucks were common.

One thing I realized after observing, was that I could have my "rape" experience without actually having intercourse with another man. I could easily be led to believe otherwise if a realistic dildo were used, or dildos of varying sizes if a gang-bang type of rape were being simulated. It's something I'm thinking about for next year, provided my husband would be ok with it. It's an experience I long for. I know he can't comprehend it, but I hope that he will allow me to have the experience.

September 26, 2011

Sex Aerobics

This has crossed my mind as I think of fun activities
 I can do to help lose those few extra pounds.

September 20, 2011


My husband spanked me for the first time ever last night. I mean, really spanked me. Enough to make my bottom warm and pink. I LOVED it. He admitted he enjoyed himself as well. I'm hoping it leads to some more regular activities, and dare I hope for a progression to further activities such as floggings or belt whippings?

I had asked him a few weeks ago to spank me. He didnt at that time. He was insecure and unsure of himself. He worried he wouldn't "do it right". He has yet to use the flogger I bought for him at camp. He also fears using it. He is afraid he won't "do it right" or that he will hurt me. I reassure as much as is appropriate. I think our latest activity boosted his ego a bit. I'm glad.

September 13, 2011

Sometimes this is what I feel like dating in the BDSM world is like.
With so many fetishes and differing wants, needs, and desires,
 It's a wonder any of us manage to find a partner who meet our personal requirements.

September 8, 2011


I spoke today, via instant messenger, to the man that was my first (and only) Master. It's been 2 years since our relationship ended. Much to my surprise, all those old feelings came rushing back. I loved him with my whole heart. It wasn't supposed to happen, I didn't want it to happen. But no matter how wrong it all was, we were just right for each other.

I long for that relationship. I long to worship Him freely. I long to show him how much I love Him. I long to please Him in any way that He wishes. He was the only man I ever obeyed without question or complaint, no matter the request.

I ache inside for what I can't have. That makes it all the worse, because I love my husband, and couldn't imagine a life without him. I will not reply to any more emails He sends. It's for the best, all around. He is off limits.

September 3, 2011


This was the birthday card given to my husband by his brother.
 Do you think we are out of the closet?

August 5, 2011

It may be time...

I'm getting antsy. It's been just about 2 months since my last play session, and the break-up of my Sir and I. I'm feeling that familiar craving creeping back. I'm longing for someone to just take control. To allow me to be myself, to allow me to follow his guidance, to allow me to submit.

My husband and I are currently talking about how this will work, how I will go about meeting someone new and the process of getting to know them. This is sticky territory. Not only do I have to be comfortable, but so does my husband. My safety and well being are of utmost importance to him. It will be a slow, long process until I find that one. I may be ready to just jump in head first, but I have to go at my husband's pace. I must be patient.

July 24, 2011

Whips, Floggers, and Rope! Oh My!

Since the break-up of my Sir and I, my husband has been trying to step up his game I believe. At camp I bought him his very first flogger as a gift. It has yet to be used, but he was very happy to see what I brought him.

Sir (ex-Sir? I need to come up with a name.) gave him a single tail whip that he had in his play bag but didn't use. It was in poor shape but my husband has been working very hard to revive it. He spent hours oiling it, working it, and hours in the garage and at a local park cracking it. He is using one of my teddy bears strung up from  a tree for the purpose of practicing his aim. I am quite sure he got some strange looks from others in the park LOL.

Hubby has also become much more assertive with me. Usually he lets me get my own way and gives in, but I'm liking this side of him. The sex has been wonderful as usual, but I am enjoying the aggressiveness he is beginning to show during sex. I'm wondering though if this is his attempt at trying to fill that void for me. We had talked about what might happen and the possibility of my finding another Dom when the relationship ended with Sir. He expressed that he was open to that idea, but I'm wondering now if he is hoping that won't happen. We also talked about the idea of possibly finding a female top. I don't know. Honestly, I'm just not ready to think about it. Maybe in a month or two, but not now.

I still miss Sir, but in a way I'm sort of relieved. He has gotten a few questions about what happened between us from mutual friends, but nobody has asked me about it. We had already worked together for a generic reply that we could tell people that asked about why our relationship ended. I'm a very private person and I hate drama and gossip. I'm sure people will gossip anyway, but once they see that we still attend munches together and are still very good friends, it will certainly minimize any fuel for any nosy or unkind questions/remarks.

July 19, 2011

Something to make you smile.

My former Sir (still doesn't feel right saying that) sent me this in an email with the above title as the subject line. It was so cute I had to share!

July 17, 2011

It's been a long 12 hours at work today and I'm completely brainfried.....
What I wouldn't give for one of these right about now       *sigh*

July 11, 2011


I miss Sir. He wasn't just a play partner. I cared about him deeply and I guess you could say I loved him. Even though he annoyed the heck out of me sometimes. I guess the point of this post is to put some of the issues out there. The things that I didn’t like about our time together. Although it’s going to appear to the contrary, I am in no way bashing him. Like I said, I care about him very much. I just need to put this down, in black and white, the reason why I ended the relationship. So I can look at it when I need a reminder. Something to get rid of those nagging little doubts in my head when I’m missing him, or missing our playtime.

In a previous post I talked about trust issues I had. I trusted him…..but a few wrong moves with a flogger broke that trust. I began to get guarded when we would play. I would “bitch and complain” as he would say, when he wanted to bind me with chain. He thought I hated to be bound. In reality I loved it. What I hated was the fact that I could no longer move, therefore I couldn’t protect delicate areas from stray flogger strikes. You see, he is a sadist. He rarely provided me with the luxury of a warm up. Just fast, super hard strikes. Once, while I was bent over a bench, one of those super hard strikes that should only be meant for a well cushioned ass, hit me right across the pussy. I cried. He didn’t seem to understand and tried to analyze how it could have happened. I wanted to scream, “How could it not happen!?! My legs are spread and I’m bent over!”.

This wasn’t the only time. He loves to use floggers with longer flails. While nice, the aim wasn’t very accurate. At least, not the way he used them. Many times, I’ve ended up with welts and marks that took weeks to fade. Not just on my back and ass, but also on the sides of my breasts and belly. Because the flails were so long, they would wrap around because he didn’t take that into account when he was striking me. And the belly should never be hit with the force with which he used. Really, it should never be hit at all. That is where all the vital organs are. I’ve also had a few stray strikes to the face with the flogger. Ones that were meant for the back, but again, long flails and poor aim are not a good combination.

Sir had this piece of wood. It was about 5 feet long, an inch wide, and about a half an inch thick. It was this long splintered fragment from an old skid that he picked up from work. All along its length, there were tiny splinters from the rough wood. Once, he cracked me with it quite unexpectedly. I became quite upset and told him not to ever use that on me again. That was just another time I was “bitching and complaining”. I explained to him that it wasn’t safe. It was dirty and I didn’t want to pick out a million splinters from my backside. I didn’t want the potential for infection. Again, he didn’t understand and just said, “you won’t get splinters”. After having been swatted with it a few more times, I finally had to call “red” and tell him that particular “toy” was a “hard limit”. I’m still disbelieving and a little angry that I actually had to tell him it was a hard limit, even after explaining why this “toy” was not safe in my eyes.

Sir had some problems with impotence. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. While that wasn’t a real problem for me, the fact that he liked to compensate with his fingers was. He has very rough, calloused fingers from his line of work. I am extremely sensitive in the nether regions. He also liked using a rough touch. I had problems becoming aroused when he touched my pussy. It was too rough. It hurt in a not good way. He would frequently insist on me squirting. Something I have never done in my life, and to the best of my knowledge, I’m not capable of. He would very roughly “massage” my g spot. On my end, it felt like somebody jabbing me very hard. All while he kept repeating, “Now squirt. Do it now”. It usually ended with me near tears and not wanting to play anymore. Even after explaining to him how it felt to me, and that it hurt me, and that I would not “squirt”, he downplayed my feelings by telling me “You just need to let go”. He heard me, but he didn’t listen to me.

He wanted me to hit subspace with him. I did maybe once or twice during scenes with him. He would try to repeat it but was always unsuccessful when he was trying. I’d explain what was done differently the 1 or 2 times I did make it to subspace: slow, steady, and rhythmic. Gradual increase in intensity. He ignored this as well. Like I said before, no warm up. Just “CRACK”. Very hard, random strikes out of the blue. I can’t achieve subspace like that. When I’m close, it brings me right out of it.

The last time we played together was at camp. The night before I left. I asked him if we could play. He cuffed my wrists and ankles to a light pole outside. It went well for the most part. He used a 2 inch wide paint stick in addition to a flogger and slapper. The scene ended with him using the paint stick, attempting to use a rhythmic tempo in beat to the music for my behalf. I was nearing that blissful head space in no time and kept asking him to go a little harder. The scene ended with my ass bleeding (completely unintentional and freaked us both out a little bit). After going to the infirmary for antibiotic ointment and a large gauze bandage, the night ended.

The next day we talked. He told me that he had gained absolutely no enjoyment from our play session because he tried to “alter” his “play style” to meet my needs. I again reiterated what I felt was safe and what was not. He told me that he had no intention on changing. He stated that he thought I just enjoyed the kinks, that I wasn’t really submissive. That I wasn’t a masochist and that he liked things “rough”. I disagreed with all of that, but it was a moot point. We agreed that our desires within the lifestyle were not compatible. Though it was mutual. I was the first to say “There is nothing left. It’s over”.

I think he is sad too. We’ve met a few times since for dinner and remain good friends. My husband sees him frequently and tells me that he thinks Sir misses me. I feel sad that it’s over, but yes, seeing it all spelled out…..I know I made the right decision in ending things. I just truly hope that he takes the things I have told him, and learns. Regardless whether you are sub, bottom, masochist… doesn’t matter. It needs to be mutual and both parties need to benefit from the play. Otherwise, there is no reason to continue. And some things aren’t safe no matter who you are.

July 4, 2011

It's Over

Sir and I attended another BDSM camp event together. It was just the two of us this time. This event is known for being more on the wild side and very sexual.

I'm not going to go into the details, but things came to a head. Sir and I hadn't been meshing very well for quite some time. Our interests and desires differ somewhat and I had unresolved trust issues. He had done some things in the past that I felt were unsafe, and he just didn't "get it" when I tried to explain this to him. He understood what he was saying, but had no desire to change.

Bottom line is that I went home a day early and we agreed that there was nothing left to be done. It was over between us. We are all still good friends, and I care about him, but it's just not worth it. I do feel sad despite this. We had been together for a year and a half. But I know it's for the best.

June 9, 2011


My husband and I are home from our weekend long, first BDSM event together. We had an absolutely fabulous time! I am so happy to report that despite his reservations, he kept an open mind....... and actually enjoyed himself!!

As we were driving into the campground I was getting very nervous. I looked at my husband and asked him, "Please just keep an open mind honey". Upon arrival we registered, and picked our chores. We picked the first chore available to get our 2 hours of duty out of the way with so we could do whatever we wanted the rest of the weekend. We promptly headed down to our cabin to get settled in.

There were only 4 other couples in the cabin with us. As we were unpacking, he was facing toward me, his back to the door. I watched quietly as one of our cabin mates slowly stripped all of her clothes off before placing her collar around her neck. I was quietly laughing to myself as I imagined my husband's reaction when he turned around. I have to admit, when he turned around at last, he masked his reaction quite well! As conservative as he is, you'd have never guessed that this was his first real exposure to being around people that were so uninhibited. We pulled 3 twin size beds together to make one large one, and after having gotten the bed made, we reported for chore duty.

We finally met up with my Sir in time for dinner. He had arrived shortly after us, and managed to get a chore slot at the same time so we were all free for the entire weekend. There were lots of firsts for not just my husband, but for me as well.

We watched a fire show with lots of fire spinning and fire breathing. Hubby thoroughly enjoyed this considering he loves fire. There was a "sampler circuit" where they had many different areas set up that was manned by a top who was experienced in that particular area. You could go around and watch, talk to the tops and learn, or experience something that you had always wanted to try.

I couldn't believe it, but Hubby was absolutely fascinated by the signal whip. The same man was demonstrating as from last years camp, and with some prodding from Hubby and Sir, I took my turn. It was a cold night so I was fully dressed, but wanted so badly to remove my shirt. I've gained a few pounds and was just feeling too self conscious to though. My husband had the biggest smile on his face as he watched first my back, then my breasts get whipped with the 6 foot single tail whip. Afterwards, I lifted my shirt to proudly show him the marks left on my breasts. We mostly walked around and watched, allowing my husband to absorb everything. He also really enjoyed the fire play which was not a surprise to me. I have to say, he really took it all in and kept an open mind. He appeared relaxed and comfortable being there. I was amazed and ecstatic over this.

After all the festivities, it was time for bed. We were exhausted. Much to my surprise, the cabin was dark and all of our cabin mates were already asleep. We crawled into bed as quietly as we could, with me in the middle. Now here is where things got interesting.

I'm not sure exactly what I was thinking. All I know is that I had no motive here, really I was just messing around. My back was to Sir, and Hubby and I were facing each other. I accidentally brushed my hand against Hubby's cock, and then I couldn't resist. I started playing around a bit, stroking and caressing him just to see what kind of reaction I would get. I got the obvious reaction, he was hard within seconds. What I didn't get was the reaction I thought I would.....He didn't stop me.

Now I didn't even realize I was doing this, but at some point I must have started moving my hips. Sir had no idea at that time that I was messing around with Hubby, but he felt my hip movement and took that as his cue. Before I even knew what was happening, Sir mounted me from behind and pushed my head down into my husbands lap. I resisted initially because I was very worried about Hubby's reaction and if he would be ok with this. But Sir persisted. In one quick thrust he was inside of me, and with his hand, he held my head down until I took my husbands cock in my mouth. I was surprised that he was still hard. I guess I thought he would have been turned off, seeing me being fucked by another man.

I was still sucking him when Sir came inside of me, then got out of bed to go outside to smoke a cigarette. Hubby suddenly made me stop. I was working so hard to get him to cum and nothing! I persisted, but he was very forceful when he told me once again to stop. I relented, disappointed. At least until he kissed me, told me he loved me, and then mounted me. He was still fucking me when Sir returned. Afterwards, I lay there completely satiated and somewhat in shock. This was my first threesome. Hubby's first as well. I think it was also Sir's first, though he had in the past watched when he chose to share his former sub with others.

It was a late night, and unfortunately for us, our cabin mates were all early risers. In the morning when Hubby got a shower, he walked stark naked from bed, to the showers, and back again. I know I had the stupidest look on my face as I watched him. All I could think was "Who are you, and what have you done with my husband?". You see, prior to camp, he had made it very clear that he would not have sex with me due to the lack of privacy, nor would he be getting naked in front of others.

After breakfast, Sir and I went to a class on M/s relationships while Hubby went back to the cabin to take a nap. We had some nice alone time where we were able to reflect on the activities from the night before. Later, we all attended a class on single tail whips. Again, Hubby was very interested. So much so, that he was talking about buying his own to practice with. Truly, he is very much looking forward to the day when he can whip me. LOL, if someone would have bet me that this could happen, I'd have SO lost!

Later that evening, Sir took a walk so Hubby and I could have some alone time. We went for a nice long walk and talked about everything. How he was feeling, how I was feeling, on the events from the night before, the sampler circuit, the classes, the threesome.....everything. He was smiling a lot, he was relaxed, and he admitted that he was actually enjoying himself. We talked about the community in general, and how, more than anything, I wanted him to be able to see how polite, respectful, open minded, and welcoming everyone is. I thanked him for coming to camp (he did it for me, not because he wanted to). I let him know how appreciative I was that he was willing to try for me. I also assured him that no matter what decision he made after this, whether or not the lifestyle was for him, and no matter what capacity he chose to participate, or not participate at all, that I was ok with that, and that I loved him no matter what.

Later that night, we decided to pay a visit to the Carter Johnson Leather Library, to see "the most deviant pornographic perversions known to mankind". Hubby is a huge history buff, so he was interested in seeing a different sort of history. Sir really isn't a book person, but he enjoyed browsing through some stuff. I'm not really a history buff, but I spent the most time there. Browsing books and reading viewpoints from psychologists and others from decades past was quite fascinating. The oldest book there was from 1701. Amazing! Mama Vi is a wealth of knowledge, and I had such wonderful time getting to spend time talking with her. She is truly a generous woman. Generous with her time, her devotion, and her heart. After  speaking and seeing my interest in the psychological aspects of BDSM, within minutes she located and gave me a book from her library. I felt so honored! I was there for about an hour or so, and hadn't even noticed that both Hubby and Sir left. Sometime later, Hubby came back to check in on me. I thanked Mama Vi, and we left, hand in hand.

He was all smiles. I was all smiles. Really, we were quite goofy. We both shared that feeling again, just like when we first started dating. It was cold outside, about 50 degrees. It was also getting a bit late. As we were walking, we went past the pool. Jokingly, I said "Let's go skinny dipping!". Without hesitation he said ok! I looked at him dumbfounded and asked if he was serious. He replied with an enthusiastic "sure, why not". I couldn't believe it. This from the man who 1) emphatically said he would not be getting naked at camp and 2) can't swim and doesn't really like the water. Really, when I suggested it, I was only joking. It was cold out. It was dark. It was getting late. And I knew the water would be freezing. But hey, I was grabbing this spontaneous moment while I could. NO way was I going to back out. So we stripped down and I went in first praying he would follow. We were only in about 3-4 feet of water and it was beyond COLD! We were giggling like a bunch of children and having a great time anyway. We didn't last more than 10 minutes or so and out we went and dried off, still giggling away LOL.

Afterwards we met back up with Sir and headed up for a second night in the dungeon. We walked around and watched the many different scenes, but did not participate. I was really hoping that Hubby would be up for something small. I did throw out a couple of hints about a nearby spanking bench that was not being currently used in hopes that Hubby or Sir would command me to get on, but neither of them bated. I didn't want to pressure Hubby, and Sir was waiting for him to take the lead, being cautious not to go past his comfort zone. In all honesty, we were all too exhausted. It was almost midnight, and none of us had slept more than about 2-3 hours the night before.So we headed back to the cabin where we all slept soundly for the next 7-8 hours.

The next day was very  relaxed.  Most of our cabin mates packed up early and left. We took our time, deciding not to leave until after lunch. We took time to reflect, to talk, and to have a bit of fun. Sir and Hubby were goofing around with me, and darn if they didn't make plans in advance! Hubby held me down while Sir pulled down my skirt and painted the word "Bad" on my ass with cheese whiz. (I absolutely HATE cheese, can't even stand the smell of it) . So they got a good laugh out of my expense, and our remaining cabin mate got a good chuckle along with a picture of my ass with the cheese on it LOL. All in all, we had a relaxed good time.

On the way home, Hubby and I spent time talking about everything. He was just as surprised as me that he enjoyed the weekend. The lines of communication were open more than they ever were before. We both feel much closer and reconnected to each other. And we both agreed that our marriage was much stronger after camp.

April 27, 2011

His First Time

My husband, my Sir, and myself will be attending a major BDSM event together in the very near future. It is a full 3 day event held at a campground and consists of approximately 300 kinksters, Dominants, submissives, slaves, Masters, swingers, and everything in between. This is the first BDSM event my husband will attend. It will also likely be the last. He does not appear to be looking forward to it. I think he is nervous about what he will see and what will happen. He is not looking forward to sleeping in a cabin with about 30 other people. He is not looking forward to the lack of privacy (communal bathrooms, showers, etc.). I truly hope he will be able to keep an open mind, let his inhibitions go, relax, and even enjoy himself.

The cabins all have single twin beds. Usually couples push two beds together in order to sleep together. The plan is to push three beds together, with me sleeping in between Hubby and Sir. I feel bad for them both as I tend to flail about quite a bit in my sleep LOL. One of these days, my flailing is going to wind up in my having to sleep bound in rope, I'm quite sure.

Anyway, the time is coming close and I need to have a serious talk with Hubby about all of this. Him and Sir talk quite a bit and I KNOW that they are already plotting and planning. And while Hubby appears to be ok with my relationship with Sir, he has not really witnessed any hardcore playing, or even much intimacy beyond a hug and kiss. He has witnessed some light play sessions that really weren't much more than us goofing around. I need to know what the boundaries are going to be, or should be. I need to know what he is ok with and what he is not. I need to know if he is going to be ok if Sir wakes up at 5 am and awakens me by fucking me as he so loves to do. I need to know if he is going to be ok with seeing Sir beat my ass until I'm near tears.

I so look forward to camp. I look forward to 3 full days of complete freedom. Freedom to walk around naked all day, freedom to fuck in public, freedom to be beat without any worry of judgment from others. However, I do not want to risk damaging my relationship with Hubby by him witnessing first hand more than he is emotionally prepared to see. Knowing about and talking about these things are completely different than seeing it with your own eyes. My fear? Is that he will not know what he will be ok with, and what will upset him until after the fact. And it could possibly be too late by then.

April 5, 2011

A Love/Hate Relationship

That is what I have with canes.

After breaking several canes into tiny little bits (more specifically, my Sir breaking said canes over my ass), and repeated whining about how much I hate canes, I was instructed to purchase a cane that I "could live with" and present it to Him.

I procrastinated. For like, several months LOL. I'm not fond of stingy type sensations. I much prefer something thuddy. Like slappers or floggers. But on the flip side, I tremble at the thought of being caned. The fear, the anticipation.... That is what I love. I HATE being caned. It hurts!! Like, ALOT! But yet, somewhere, in some small part of my brain, I anxiously look forward to being caned. I don't quite understand it, but I'm learning to accept it. Hence, the love/hate relationship.

Unbeknownst to me, just a few hours prior to our planned play date, my husband had caught me smoking. And called Sir asking him to punish me.

The evening started out quite fun. A bit of playful wrestling and struggle play, which is always fun. I presented the canes and next thing I knew, I was stripped and bent over a table. I was not secured, but was instructed to keep my elbows on the table. Each whack of the cane made me reflexively move into an upright position. Which in turn brought on another whack for not keeping my elbows on the table as I had been told to do. A few times, I mistakenly tried to protect my ass with my hands. My hand was struck with the cane simply because it was in the way. I was trembling, begging him to stop, telling him I'll be a good girl. Some little part of my brain was screaming "more" even while I was whimpering and begging for mercy.

I was then instructed to light a cigarette and smoke it. I refused which resulted in some more caning. I was near tears as I was telling him I only had one cigarette left, to just take it and that I didn't want it. The caning paused as I heard him rustling around in my purse. I was told to stand and look at him, and when I did, there he was with my last cigarette dangling from his lips. He handed me my lighter and told me to light it for him then get on my knees.

I did so without hesitation. My hands were shaking as I lit the cigarette. He pulled the lighter from my fingers and pocketed it. He said I wouldn't be needing it anymore. For five minutes, I kneeled on the cold hard floor, looking up at him as he smoked my last cigarette. Afterwards, he pulled me into bed with him and just held me. We laid there for a long time just enjoying the closeness of each other. It was a wonderful night.

Today, my ass and upper thighs are a multitude of shades of blues and deep purples. The soreness is beginning to fade and I'm already looking forward to the next play session. Although, I made sure to sneak the canes away when he wasn't paying attention and hide them in my car  =)

April 2, 2011


My kinky friends are often organizing fun events for us kinksters to attend and participate in together. The latest event was the Nyotaimori Sushi Night. I was invited to be a nude sushi model.

First off, I was extremely flattered. I'd have never thought in a million years anyone would want me for this sort of thing. Second, I was both excited and terrified at the prospect of it. I am very shy, and I have naked issues. After 9 years, I've grown comfortable with my husband seeing me naked. But even after a year, I'm still uncomfortable at times with Sir seeing me completely nude. I'm self conscious. Probably more so than the average woman. That is precisely why I agreed to be a model. I wanted to force myself to become more comfortable with my body. What better way than to allow people to eat off of me? I also knew that a fun opportunity like this would probably not present itself again, and dammit I was doing it despite having to get out of my comfort zone!

I bathed, shaved, waxed, primped, and pampered myself. Then I showered again just before heading out the door. There were 4 of us models, three female and one male. It was determined that I was going to be the "veggie girl" since my Sir is a vegetarian. And since I was the "veggie girl", it was determined that I would go first. I then took a cold shower to lower my body temperature. I came out wrapped in a towel to cover up, which was totally silly, I know. There were about 8 other people in the room, all friends, and I had to be the first to be naked among them. I had the hardest time dropping that towel.

But I did it and crawled up onto the table, belly down as I was instructed. I was rubbed down with vodka to sanitize my skin, then decorated with avocado, squash, and cucumber. The host was taking lots of pictures during the whole process. I was getting lots of comments about how great the design looked, and I quickly found out the drawback to being a model. You couldn't see anything! I was up on a table, on my belly, with my head turned to the side. My only view was of people's mid-sections as they walked past!

The other 3 models were quickly showered, sanitized, and decorated shortly after me. We were all decorated in a theme, with the guests getting to guess who we were supposed to be. I was paired with a lovely girl I hadn't met before, and I got to hold a wicked cool sword. We were laying head to head, with my sword resting on top of her hair. My veggies were decorated down my back in the design of a snake (according to the pictures it turned out really really cool!) The tail of the snake went down one butt cheek, and down my thigh all the way to my calf.  I was Athena and she was Aphrodite. I had a little "bowl" of Wasabi sauce on my left butt cheek. I only know this because after about an hour into the event, I was feeling this tingly kind of burning sensation and had to ask what it was.

It was quite the experience having people eat off of me. I only knew about half of the people there, which definitely added to the experience. I think I was more shy with the people I knew! Everybody stopped to "ooh" and "aah" at the design on my back. It was really hard to hold perfectly still. The people that knew me talked to me and made jokes trying to get me to laugh which in turn made me jiggle LOL. Jiggling was not good for fear of the wasabi sauce spilling over my body! Sir teased and tormented me a bit, fed me some grapes while I lay there, and just generally made me feel good simply because he was there.

It was hard. I was very cramped and sore with various body parts that fell asleep after laying there for over 2 hours without being able to move a muscle. That said, it was a wonderful experience and one that I'm so grateful and touched that I was thought of to be invited to do this. Despite my insecurities, I'm glad I did it. It wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it was going to be, and all the compliments I received were a nice boost to the ego.

March 11, 2011

They are coming to take me away

This video seems strangely fitting after the day I've had.

They are coming to take me away HAHA!

March 8, 2011

Dry Spell

Warning: If you are of the male species and don’t care to hear about female “issues”. Stop here. Do not read this post.

I’m in the middle of a major dry spell. I have no desire. My libido is gone. My husband and I haven’t had sex in almost a month. I can’t remember the last time I was with Sir. I don’t even masturbate anymore. It’s these fucking birth control pills.

I don’t need to take them. My husband had a vasectomy years ago. I have an IUD in place. No worries about me becoming pregnant.

My periods are all out of whack. I’m sick of it. I menstruate anywhere from 2 to 3 weeks out of the month. All tests come back within normal limits. There is nothing clinically “wrong” with me. The IUD was a last ditch effort to solve the problem. Supposedly, a large percentage of women stop menstruating completely with the IUD. Not me. I didn’t have any improvement in the length of my cycles whatsoever.

The only thing that has controlled my periods effectively in the past was “the pill”. But, as I’ve learned over the years, there was a major drawback. I lost ALL sexual drive when on them.

I couldn’t stand it anymore. So I’m back on the pill. And now me, my husband, and my Sir are paying for it. I don’t know what the solution is here. I asked my gynecologist to just please take my uterus out. She just laughed. I was being serious.

Hardly anything arouses me these days. I want to be aroused. I still think about sex. I still want sex. It’s just that my body doesn’t respond. Except when I get emails like this from my Sir:

I want to attach your hot little wrists and ankles to a bed, mount you
like a goddamn animal, wrap my hand around your neck and bite the side
of it while fucking your asshole as you scream and cum inside you in two
minutes. A quick and simple rape. I'm horny.

Now that makes me hot.

March 2, 2011


I take care of children and babies (and a few young adults) with varying degrees of health problems. Some of these children have disabilities that makes them dependant on others to provide the most basic of care. Someone to feed them, someone to bathe them, someone to turn and reposition them. Daycare centers won’t accept these kids into their programs because of the level of assistance they require. Therefore, these kids often rely on a home health aide to provide this care so the family can maintain their employment. I also care for children who have greater needs. Kids that are dependant on receiving their nutrition through a feeding tube. Kids that are dependant on the patency of a tube that is inserted into their neck to enable them to breath. Kids that are dependant on a ventilator to do the work of breathing for them. These children (and their parents) rely on the assistance of a nurse to assist them with their care needs.

There are various waiver programs and state assistance to help with the costs of caring for these children. It’s a wonderful, good thing. These kids are given the opportunity to stay in familiar environments, to remain at home with their families where they can grow and thrive. Otherwise, many of these children would end up in institutions. In addition to this, it costs FAR less to provide this care in the home versus in a long term care setting.

Now please forgive me for a moment. I LOVE what I do. I love helping families and I love helping my patients. But I need to rant for a moment.

I’ve had quite a few experiences now where these families have taken advantage of the system. It’s frustrating. There’s the Mom who I suspect of Munchausen’s by proxy. Who has first one child that gets nursing services, then all of a sudden, whose other child begins mysteriously having “health problems”. Somehow she manages to defraud the system to gain nursing for BOTH children so she can go tanning. Yes, tanning. She WAS supposed to be working, but she used her time more wisely. Not. She didn’t last long before she was caught committing fraud.

Then I have the mom who becomes angry when her very healthy daughter is denied continued nursing coverage. This child does have a feeding tube in place, but has NOT used the tube in quite some time (seriously, why don‘t they just remove it already?) I’m quite sure the mother is somehow deceiving the child’s physicians to believe that she still needs the feeding tube. She has had services for most of her life, but this child has overcome her feeding difficulties, and is completely independent for all of her activities of daily living…as much as any other preschooler. She can feed herself, she can use the bathroom independently, she can tie her shoes. Why the hell does she need a nurse?!? She wouldn’t even qualify for a home health aide!

This mother should be ashamed of herself. Yes, I know her child had a difficult start. Yes, I know that can be a difficult thing for a parent to deal with. there are tons of children that are FAR worse off. Children who are terminal. Children who will never get better. Children who will never *not* need the assistance of another person for their most basic care. If this mother gets her way, it will cost taxpayers approximately $9,000 per month. You read that right. $9,000 per month to provide approximately 200 hours of skilled nursing care. $9,000 per month, when these parents can spend $50 to $80 per week to put their child in daycare just like all the rest of us working parents.

I’m all for state assistance for children with chronic health problems. Those that manipulate the system and twist facts to get their way? When….. and note, I say when, not if….. When they get caught, they should have to pay back every penny plus interest.

February 25, 2011

The Club

The club is busy. There is much to see. People in various states of undress are all around. A tall thin man, wearing only a simple pair of blue jeans, is paraded around the club by an even taller brunette wearing 6 inch stiletto boots. His bare feet move quickly across the cold cement floor as she leads him by a 3 foot chain leash, attached to the leather studded collar that is fastened securely around his neck. A beautiful petite woman with an athletic shape is standing on the center of a thin mat. Her arms are crossed in front of her. She gazes at the man expectantly as he expertly winds the rope across and around her body. The bright flash of light catches my attention from the far corner. I watch as a tall heavy man runs a flame tipped wand between the center of a woman’s breasts.

Suddenly my collar bites into my neck as it is tugged sharply by my Sir, bringing my attention back to where it belongs. Him. My knees are beginning to ache from the hard floor. I feel the tingling sensation in my feet and toes from the lack of blood flow due to my awkward position. I stare up into his eyes, envying him for being able to sit on the warm soft sofa. His voice floats down to me, strong and demanding, instructing me to stand up. Grateful, I stand slowly, feeling the blood rush down my legs, causing a sudden surge of pins and needles to spread all the way up to my thighs. As I stretch, I’m again distracted by the scenery around me. Until I hear him speak again, a hint of amusement in his voice.

“Take off your panties”, he says in a firm voice. I’m wearing a black dress, goth style. The short skirt flares out over my hips, barely covering my ass. The top has an overlay that resembles a corset. It is tight. So tight I can’t fully take a breath and it pushes my breasts up and out. I stare at him stupidly as I concentrate on breathing. He repeats, “Take off your panties”, a warning tone in his voice telling me that if I delay any longer, I will regret it. I glance around self consciously and reach up under my dress, hooking my thumbs around the edge of my soft blue cotton panties. I look into his eyes as I bend at the waist, pulling my panties down my legs. I step out of them clumsily as they get caught on my high heeled boots. Embarrassed, I free them and stand quickly, palming the panties into a tight ball in my fist, trying to hide them from the prying eyes of those nearby.

“Put them into your mouth”. I stare at him in horror. He must be kidding. I couldn’t have heard him right. I watch as his eyebrows arch and I realize that he is waiting for me to obey. It will be worse if I anger him. A single tear slides lazily down my cheek. People will see. They will see me stuffing my mouth with my own panties. I feel humiliated and embarrassed. “Do it. Now”. I swallow hard as I feel another tear trickle down an identical path on the other cheek. I take a deep breath and quickly push the panties into my mouth. I lower my head so my hair hangs down over face, trying to hide. Another tug on the leash. This one more gentle, pulling me as I bend at the waist until I am face to face with Sir. I’m feeling even more humiliated, the edges of my panties hanging out of my mouth, my ass bared for all to see as I stand there bent over. He kisses the tip of my nose and then pulls me down over his lap. I close my eyes as I settle in, face down.

I feel his warm calloused hand touch the back of my knee, his fingers squeezing slightly as he slowly glides his hand up the back of my thigh. I feel a sudden draft as the short skirt is flipped up, exposing my bare ass. My head is lifted as his fingers wind their way through my hair and pull. My eyes catch those of a stranger standing a short distance away just as his hand sharply smacks my ass. I feel a wet warmth between my legs. I’m embarrassed. I’m turned on by the humiliation. This embarrasses me farther.

He continues to spank me, his hand falling into the same rhythm of the bass coming from the stereo. I begin to arch my back, lifting my ass up to meet the palm of his hand. I’m no longer embarrassed. I’m no longer aware of the others in the club. The only thing I’m aware of, is the sweet ecstasy, the sweet pleasure only He can give me.

February 21, 2011

Domme for the Night.

My husband and I went out to a local gay club with his family for Halloween. Just for fun I dressed up as a Domme, complete with my Sir’s flogger. Hubby wore a collar and leash. I STILL can’t believe he agreed to this. It was quite fun. Everyone in his family got a huge kick out of our outfits. Especially his sister, and his brother’s boyfriend, who are in the know about me. LOTS of innuendo’s and jokes were made about me/us. But nothing too obvious as there were another 2 brothers who are NOT in the know.

I paraded my husband around the club, pulling him along by his leash. I was almost having too much fun with this! The best was when I led him to the women’s bathroom and made him wait outside while I went inside. It didn’t take long at all for some random gay guy to tug on my husband’s leash and ask him if he wanted to go for a walk LOL. We posed for pictures. Lots of pictures. We all had a great time.

I work with my nephew. And I'm technically his boss. Sometimes I forget about the family connection when we are at work so it took me by surprise when he made a reference to Halloween. And before leaving the office, he made the comment "be sure not to keep him on too short a leash" when talking about my husband. I turned about 10 shades of red and started to ask.....then realized about 4 of my coworkers were staring at me with quite a bit of interest. I decided it would be better to say nothing more.

February 16, 2011

My bisexuality

I've always been bisexual. Ever since I discovered sex/masturbation, I have been sexually attracted to women. In fact, when I first started masturbating, I relied only on images, thoughts, and videos of women to light my fire. That remains the same to this day. I would say about 90% of my masturbatory fantasies pertain to women.

This is an excerpt of a journal entry written by a friend. I will say, reading this has affected me in quite the positive way. You see, I discovered masturbation somewhere between the ages of 10 to 12. and exactly like my friend, I masturbated to images I created in my head. Images of women. Women exposing themselves or being exposed. Voyeur and exhibition fantasies. Always involving women. It was the bare breasts, the round hips, the curve of the ass that attracted me. The female form is a beautiful thing.

I was confused by this. I was ashamed by it. I didn’t understand it. I was attracted to boys. I wanted a boyfriend. I did not feel an attraction to girls I knew. It was only in these early morning or late night images I created in my head. I tried to masturbate to fantasies of men. It didn’t work. I couldn't cum. At least not until I pictured that man doing something delicious to a beautiful woman. Not until I pictured that man's lips tugging on a perfect nipple. Then BAM! The orgasm would explode throughout my body.

I questioned myself. I wondered if I was a lesbian. I wondered what the heck was the matter with me. But mostly, I refused to allow myself to think about it. I allowed the images, I just refused to analyze what it could mean. I was ashamed.

I realized as I read my friends journal entry, that even though I'm part of a group of friends that are open and accepting, I was still ashamed. I realized that I hadn’t admitted to anybody what I fantasize about when I masturbate. I hadn’t admitted to anybody that when I watch porn, it is really the women I'm watching and not the men. I realized that I was still embarrassed by this. I also realized that I'm no longer confused.

I know that I like men. I know that I prefer men. I know that I'm in love with a very wonderful man. But I also know that I'm attracted to women and that there is nothing wrong with that. There is no reason to be ashamed by it. There is no reason to hide my fantasies anymore. There is no reason to pretend to be anything other than I am.

February 14, 2011

February 10, 2011

Feeling the Love

My hormones must be acting up. Ordinarily I’m not a very moody kind of person. But my moods DO fluctuate much like most people I’m sure. For the past couple of days, I’ve been in this really sappy lovey dovey kind of mood. Seriously, I’m loving everyone right now.

Well, except my boss. He’s two months behind on my annual evaluation, thus 2 months behind on my raise. And not my cable company. They’ve done jacked the rates up one too many times. And not the satellite company I’m trying to set up services with. So far, their customer service sucks.

But really, I’m loving most everyone right now. I told my cousin how she is the greatest thing ever and how she is going to be this amazing mother, and how she should never doubt herself because she is just fabulous and how I’m so proud of her. I hugged my son so tight today and damn near started crying because I love him so much. I thought of my husband and wonder how the hell did I ever get so lucky to have such an amazing man like him in my life. I almost hugged my lawyer I was so overcome with gratitude for all his help (I refrained, I’m not a very huggy person except to those I’m really close to). I keep having this overwhelming urge to tell my Sir “I love you”. I do love him, but those words have not been spoken between us and I’m not sure that’s something either him or my husband is ready to hear. My puppy has been annoying the crap out of me lately, but today, I hugged her in a moment of “I’m so glad you’re here, I love you, and I’m so sorry I yelled at you for eating your poop!”

Usually I complain about being moody. Usually when I’m moody, I’m in a cranky sort of mood. But this lovey dovey sappy mood? Other than the tears I shed thinking of how my teenage son is no longer that sweet innocent baby, it’s not so bad. Here’s to feeling the love!

February 9, 2011

Was it all a dream?

The memories of it are beginning to fade. Not because I'm forgetting, but because I'm choosing to not think about it. If I allow myself to think about it, I am reminded of what I don't have by the deep ache inside of me. This, you see, would be selfish. I have a lot to be thankful for. To mourn the past would make me feel as though I'm being ungrateful for what I do have. But just this once...

I vividly remember our first meeting. I remember walking across that parking lot. I remember feeling so unsure of myself. I remember the anxious flutter of the butterflies in my belly. I remember seeing you from a distance, wondering to myself, "Is that him?" I remember the fear. The fear of the unknown. I remember wondering if this was a mistake. But mostly, I remember the love I felt. A love that existed even before meeting you. A love that was a betrayal to my current life. A love that shouldn't have existed. But it did.

I remember falling to me knees before you. The first time I had ever done this for another. I remember looking up at you feeling only adoration. I remember the feel of your fist in my hair. I remember the feel of your hand around my throat. I remember the breath that was trapped in my lungs, awaiting  your permission to be released. I remember your hot breath in my ear. I remember your sweet voice telling me I was loved. I remember the feel of your body pressed heavily down onto mine. I remember the feel of your teeth biting into my back as you claimed me as Yours. I remember wanting more before it ended.

I had never felt so submissive to anyone before or since that time. I would have done anything you had asked of me. Even though I had my moments where I disobeyed (like when I insisted on locking that bathroom door), when it came down to it, I really would have done anything you had asked. I felt safe with you. I wanted you to know how much I loved you. I wanted to please you like no other. I gave my all to you. I willingly offered you everything and anything you wanted. My body, my heart, my soul.

How did this happen? How is it possible? Two random strangers, coming into contact online. Falling in love so quickly. How is that possible?

Time has passed. It's been over a year. Wow. Really? How can the time have passed so quickly? If I saw you today, I guarantee that it will feel like I just saw you yesterday. Like no time has passed. Like I am still Yours.

I craved you. I CRAVED you. I can't explain it any other way. Once, you asked me if it was you I loved, or if it was the D/s I loved. I knew the answer then, even if a small part of me asked the same question. A year later, I can without a doubt answer that it was NOT the D/s. I loved YOU.

The ferocity with which I craved overwhelmed me. The feelings were that intense. It was something you read about, not something that you felt. I was insatiable. I couldn't get enough. I couldn't get close enough. I wanted more. I wanted so much more it astounded me. I didn't recognize these feelings.

It's been over a year since we began. It's been a year since we last saw each other.

So what would it be like if we bumped into each other on the street tomorrow? Would that electricity still be there? Would I be overcome with my need for you again? Would I still crave you?

I can answer without a doubt.


February 7, 2011

Vanilla Husband turned Kinky?

So I know I've been inactive for a bit. I haven't forgotten about or abandoned blogging. I'd like to say that I will be able to write something worthwhile on a regular basis. Really, it's cathartic for me. But, I'd be lying to say that I wouldn't be taking mini breaks periodically. Life is just too hectic. I'm hoping some of it will calm down soon (Seriously, I'm due for a break). Anyway, between my 50+ hour a week job, a custody battle, some mild to moderate depression, a puppy, a teenager, a husband, a boyfriend, and many more things I don't care to mention at the moment....well, by the end of the day I'm literally collapsing in exhaustion.

On a side note, my vanilla husband is taking on more of an interest in some BDSM activities. We had a our first "scene" together over the weekend. It was great. A bit of rope, a flogger, a slapper, and a cane...He did great. I had to encourage him at times, I had to reassure him other times, but really, he did great. He enjoyed himself, which is what is most important to me. I love him as he is, vanilla or kinky, it doesn't matter to me. I love HIM. And if he decides he wants to be a part of the lifestyle, in whatever capacity, well, that's just a bonus for me! We're looking forward to attending his first event together in about 3 months. He's showing a particular interest in fire play and shibari and hoping to see and learn more at the 3 day event we will be attending. Double bonus for me!

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Chains and Whips Excite Me

Rhianna's "S&M"...My new favorite video!!