December 9, 2010

Do you have an inclination for BDSM?

BDSM quiz:

Yes, I know these things are not the most accurate. Nor do I need to take some little quiz to tell me where my interests lie. But it is a fun way to kill a little time. I just took it for the second time. The first time was about 9 months ago, shortly after I started exploring my submissive feelings. The results are very similar, except for one category where there was a signifigant change.
The first time around:
You Scored as Submissive

It feels good to serve. A lack of control in the bedroom can be fun and relaxing. Being with a dominant person wouldn't be a bad idea.
Submissive 96%
Masochist 89%
Degradation Lover 82%
Exhibitionist / Voyeur 75%
Experimental 71%
Bondage 64%
Switch 50%
Sadist 25%
Vanilla 11%
Dominant 7%

And the second time around:

You Scored as Exhibitionist / Voyeur

Watching or being watched is an arousing notion to you. There are many reasons why people enjoy this fetish. Being uncomfortable. Feeling guilty. Appreciation. For some it could simply be sex in public because there is a fear of getting caught. Either way, it turns you on. The best venue for this would be group sex.

Exhibitionist / Voyeur  100%
Submissive  96%
Masochist  86%
Degradation Lover  82%
Experimental  68%
Bondage  64%
Sadist  54%
Switch  54%
Vanilla  7%
Dominant  0%

And the results side by side:







Degradation Lover
























I think it's interesting to "see" how I've evolved over the last several months. I had always secretly had exhibitionist/voyeuristic fantasies. I remember being around 17 or 18 and having these strong desires and fantasies. I remember "accidentally" letting the curtains open and purposely walking in front of the windows when I was only half dressed while I fantasized that I was being watched. And being extremely aroused by it. The difference between now and then is that I refused to admit or even acknowledge I had those fantasies. I was ashamed and embarrassed by it. I will at least admit it now. I am no longer ashamed, but I still feel deeply embarrassed by it. I struggle with those feelings. I wish I could be more free to just enjoy it. But maybe it is the shame and embarrassment that I've been enjoying. Or perhaps both. I'm still figuring that out. All I know is that I love when my Sir "forces" me into situations that put me on display. I love when he talks dirty to me. I love when he says degrading things to me. I love when he makes me feel dirty. I love that I don't have to be vanilla.

December 7, 2010


So I was at work and showing a new nurse how to search through the medical codes to select the diagnosis she needed when creating her careplan. As I was scrolling through, I came across "sexual masochism" and "sexual sadism". Now mind you, I already knew they existed on the DSM IV. But I guess seeing it just shocked me for some reason. My initial reaction? "What?!? Are you kidding me!?!".

The new nurse jumped back and asked if I was alright. I'm sure I was blushing as I replied, "Ummm, yeah. I'm fine. Sorry, guess I was just suprised to see masochism and sadism listed there".

Wonder if I just outed myself?

December 5, 2010

I just LOVE the expressions on this guys face. You have the "Oh SHIT!" expression, followed by the "Oh yeeaaah!" expression, quickly followed by the "Crap! Get me the fuck out of here!" expression.

Seriously, they ought to air more commercials like this on TV. I might actually be tempted to NOT flip to another channel during the commercials!

December 3, 2010

My very first BDSM event

I am an extremely shy, quiet type of person. When I first started thinking about attending an actual BDSM themed event, I changed my mind about whether or not I wanted to go at least a dozen times. Ultimately, I wanted to go, despite the fact that I knew I would have many moments of being uncomfortable from what I call my “issues” (I‘m easily embarrassed and way too inhibited). I decided to register quickly during a moment of “wanting to go” so that I wouldn’t be able to change my mind again.

My Sir and I were greeted by a very friendly couple as we pulled into the campground. We registered and picked our chores, and got our cabin assignments. We quickly headed for our cabin and chose our space (where I immediately became anxious again because of the lack of privacy in the bathrooms) before heading down to the dining hall. We made it just in time for dinner. My first assignment was to circle the classes that interested me on the guide that was given to us. I looked over the class schedules while we ate and it only took me a few minutes to decide which ones I wanted to attend. A few of them overlapped, so we’d have to decide between them, but I figured we could figure that out later.

After getting back to our cabin it started to storm. I mean REALLY storm. We met our cabin mates, two friendly couples and another that chose to stay outside in their camper.

I love a good storm. The sound of the rain pounding on the rooftop relaxed away any nervousness that I might have been feeling. The loud cracks of thunder coupled with the bright flashes of light startled a few, but was soothing to me. Then the lightening struck a transformer and we were all left in the dark. Pitch black dark. There was nothing to do other than chill out and relax until the storm passed over.

Flashlight in hand, we decided to take a walk once the rain had finally stopped. I had been really looking forward to the sampler circuit (which is exactly as it sounds, a “sample” of many different BDSM activities). I was certain that it was now cancelled considering there was no power. But we figured we should find out for sure. On our way to the dungeon we passed a fire show. I had never seen anything like that before and was very interested in watching but we continued on our way. I figured I’d get another opportunity to watch later on. The little bit I saw was awesome to watch, especially considering it was the only light source at the moment.

As expected, there really wasn’t much going on in the dungeon. I was disappointed about not being able to see the sampler circuit. My hope was to just watch the first night, and maybe get up the nerve to try a few new things the second night. After peeking around the dungeon, we made our way down to the barn. It was very dimly lit with a lamp and a few people were inside playing and standing around watching. My Sir pulled me inside where we watched from a short distance away. I had never watched anyone else play before and I was a bit embarrassed, but excited at the same time. I was also curious about observing the actions and reactions of others. A man had his submissive on a spanking bench. He was degrading her in front of everyone after every hard strike to her ass. I think I was more embarrassed to be seen watching than I was by the actions and things this man was saying. I was embarrassed to admit that I was enjoying watching. I tried to keep my eyes averted but Sir kept a firm grasp on a fistful of my hair, holding my head in place to force me to watch.

It was late and midnight snack had also been cancelled, so we headed back to our cabin for some sleep.

The power finally came back on around 5am. We made it down to the dining hall by 9am for breakfast. After that we perused the little shop that was set up. The man running the shop was kind enough to show us the violet wand along with all of its various attachments. Now, I had never seen a violet wand before, much less been on the receiving end, so when he told me to hold on to the end of it I was just a little skittish. Ok, that’s a lie, I was a lot skittish, but definitely curious. I was jumpy, but agreed. At one point, my arm was just barely touching my Sir’s arm and the current went right through me and shocked Him which of course I thought was funny. I didn’t really think I’d be into “zappy” things, but I must say, when he ran the wand across my arm at the lower voltage, I loved the sensation. Definitely looking forward to trying this again sometime in the future, only in a much more sensual manner.

After lunch, we had our first class to choose from. I really wanted to attend the one on “Erotic Impact Play & Rhythmic Caning” (rhythmic caning just sounds fun!) but ultimately chose one called “Establishing Good Communication for M/s & D/s Relationships”. Communication is not one of my stronger suits (ok, I really, really suck at it) so I figured that while the other class looked more fun, this one would be more beneficial. There was a lot of good information during the class pertinent to any relationship, kinky or otherwise.

Our next class started immediately after the first one. Again, I was torn between two classes. One was on Needle play, which I was curious about, but figured I’d at least get to watch that at the Sampler Circuit that night. So we headed over to the one on “Deep Subspace”. Another class with lots of good information, discussion between attendees, and a demo. The couple giving the class were inspiring to watch together. The love they obviously have for each other, the tenderness in his voice when he spoke to her, and her ability to just let go so easily was enviable. I had only ever sub-spaced once at that point, which was quite unintentional and took me by such surprise it almost scared me, despite the wonderful feeling that came with it. Now, I’m addicted to the blissful feelings subspace brings.

Next stop, the dining hall for dinner, then we hung out at the cabin for a bit. After a bit of rest and relaxation, we started our walk towards the dungeon where the Sampler Circuit was being held. On the way we passed another fire show. My Sir forgot something He had wanted to bring along, so I took the opportunity to just sit and watch while He walked back to the cabin. Standing in the center of a basketball court was a woman, fully unclothed, with her arms raised. I stared in fascination as the man made the flames dance over her flesh. Every once in a while another woman would bring what looked like a towel (I’m assuming a wet one) and press it to her skin to put out any lingering flames. The whole idea of fire play scared the bejeezes out of me, yet I couldn’t tear my eyes away. It was just so fascinating to watch.

After only a short while, my Sir returned, and I reluctantly got up to head towards the dungeon. Once there, my nervousness and apprehension reappeared with a vengeance. There were a lot of people everywhere inside and I was torn between wanting to go find a vacant corner to just hide in, versus wanting to see what was going on. We just kind of stood back and watched the goings on for awhile. Then I heard the loud CRACK of a whip. And I was fascinated once again. I’d look around at everything, but my eyes kept finding their way back to the man wielding the whip.

After walking around for a bit, checking out the various equipment and stations set up, I noticed the bright flash of fire. We ventured closer so I could see and there was the same man who had shown us the violet wand preparing for fire play demos. Turns out, fire play was his specialty. There were offers from him to go get his cups so I could experience cupping. (I had already adamantly said there was no way I was going to try fire play.) I was intrigued and curious, LOVED watching, but was way, way too nervous, too shy, and way too inhibited to break down and try anything myself. We watched for a bit longer.

I could hear the buzzing sound of the violet wand in the far corner from where we stood, I observed the quiet look of concentration of the man performing rope bondage and the look of anticipation from the woman who was patiently awaiting the opportunity to be suspended. I could hear the dull thuds of floggers striking the bare flesh of people restrained to poles and crosses. And I could hear the louder, sharper smacks of bare hands striking the asses of those restrained to spanking benches. There was just so much to take in. Too much to fully observe it all. But ultimately, my eyes kept finding their way to two areas in particular. The man with the mesmerizing eyes, who was wielding that awesome whip, and the man with the friendly smile paired with the evil glint in his eye who was obviously having so much fun playing with the bright dancing flames.

I watched in awe as the long single tail whip appeared to gently lick the flesh of the recipient. I was fascinated and envious of those brave enough to try it. I smiled when the end of the whip would be made to curl around a raised upper arm almost like you would do if you were tying someone with a rope. My Sir nudged me on a few times to try it, but I resisted. Oh, how I wanted to, but there were a lot of people watching and I don’t like to be anywhere near the center of attention. Far from it. Plus, unlike most others, I was fully dressed. No way would I be taking anything off in front of all those people. It was an irrational thought, I know, considering the state of undress all around me, and the fact that it’s necessary to fully experience many things. But.... I never claimed to be rational.

When I wasn’t looking, Sir had gained the attention of the man with the whip and he was walking towards us before I had noticed what He had done. He nudged me forward again, and I very clearly remember thinking “CRAP! How can I get out of this now?!?” The man easily sensed my hesitation and asked me a few questions to which I know my replies were nothing more than incoherent blabber (my memory and mind froze from my anxiety). So he talked to me for a short while, showed me what it looked like from his end, first with a smaller whip, then the longer one. He continued to talk to me in his oh so soothing voice as I backed up a few steps as he instructed. His eyes were locked onto mine. Or maybe my eyes were locked onto his. Either way, He was just mesmerizing and I couldn’t look away even if I had wanted. I almost felt as though I were in some kind of trance. I smiled as I felt the slight sting of the tip of the whip against the flesh of my chest and the little bit of exposed skin there was. I wanted so very badly to shed my shirt so I could feel more. I just didn't know how to get over my embarrassment to make myself just do it. I knew Sir would have insisted I did, but it was impossible for Him to help me without it looking like he was “making” me rather than it being something I really wanted. The session ended after a few minutes and I had my first “taste” of the single tail whip. I definitely cant wait to try again in the future. (And to this day, the mere thought of this man and mental image of his eyes, and how he made me feel that night is enough to make me feel a soothing sensation wrap itself around me.)

It was still very busy in the dungeon so my Sir decided to take me to the Barn where things were less hectic and we could have a little play of our own. There was only one other couple in the barn, who were playing with a violet wand, and the dungeon monitor, an older, very nice, soft spoken lady. The evening was cool and I was wearing jeans under my semi-long flowing shirt. Sir cuffed and chained me to a post in the center of the room.

Like I’ve already mentioned, I am very inhibited. I don’t think anyone can fully comprehend how much so. I don’t understand it, or know where it came from. I just know that I’ve always been this way to some extent or another. So needless to say, I could feel a small panic rising within me, knowing what was coming next, knowing that anyone could see me. It was little consolation that there were only 3 other people present besides my Sir and me, two of which were occupied with their own activities. Once my wrists were restrained, my jeans and panties were promptly removed. My anxiety skyrocketed. I closed my eyes and pretended that there was no one else present, that I was somewhere where no one could see me, and waited while He selected the instrument he would use first. Even though I was slightly panicked, I was smiling on the inside. I don’t like my inhibitions. I down right hate them. I wish I didn’t care what other people thought. I wish I could be free to let my inner desires be known. So being “made” to get over those fears, was what I wanted (even though I would never admit it). I couldn’t do it for myself, I needed someone else to do it for me.

Our scene was long and blissful. There was breath play, hair pulling, and biting of my neck and back. I was flogged, spanked, and otherwise had my ass beat hard. I had naughty things whispered into my ear and was made to repeat back words Sir knew I had difficulty saying. I was in heaven!

Just when it got to the point when I didn’t think I could bear to have my ass beat any harder, I suddenly couldn’t feel it anymore. I could distinctly hear the sharp smacks, could feel the rhythmic push of my body against the pole with each strike of his hand and slapper, but all I could feel was this wonderful sensation within me that I cant even describe. This warm fuzzy feeling poured over me while and I was mostly unaware of anything else around me. I didn’t have a single care in the world at that point. I vaguely remember hearing Him say “she cant feel it anymore”. I’m not sure who he was talking to, nor did I even think to question it. Hell, for all I know, it was me imagining it. I just didn’t care. Along the process my shirt had been removed as well. I no longer cared about that either. I was relishing the feelings and sensations. Then I could feel Him cradling me close, whispering in my ear. I wanted to beg Him not to stop, but His words speaking so softly in my ear won out over my desire for more. The restraints were removed. He steadied me as my wobbly legs threatened to give out and led me to the aftercare area where I was held and soothed for some time. More heaven! I cant remember how long He said the scene lasted. Probably a little over an hour. Maybe close to two. All I know is that the time flew by, I swear it only felt like minutes, if that. I rested while He cleaned up and put His toys away. I was then permitted to put my panties and shirt back on. Then we headed back up to the dungeon. It was probably about 1am by then.

It had dwindled down some, but there were still a lot of people playing. The schedule had said that the sampler circuit was until midnight, so I was surprised to see that the man with the fire was still giving a demo. I moved closer to watch and on the way noticed a needle play demo. After asking if I could move closer and watch, we sat down so I could get a better look. The girl on the receiving end chatted with us a bit. She looked very nervous and mentioned that it was her first time. She got three needles placed around the upper curve of each breast. It was very pretty and though I never would have thought it would be something I’d be interested in, I do think I’d like to try it some day. I have a few piercings in various places and have always loved the adrenaline rush that came along with it, so why not?

The fire play demo had ended and the man again offered to let me try. I was hesitant so he had me hold my hand out, palm up, so I could feel what the flame felt like. It wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it, and I enjoyed the warm sensation. I hesitated again, for two reasons. One, I felt bad because it was already somewhere around 2am and I knew he was going to get ready to clean up, and two, I knew I would be required to undress and my self-consciousness had returned. I looked from my Sir, to the man, and back again; figured “what the hell” to myself, promptly stripped, and climbed up on the table before my mind had time to register what I was doing and change my mind. At which point the man that was about to light me on fire apparently took one look at my very red ass and said, “I’m not going to lie, that’s going to sting”.

I only had a brief moment of thinking “Oh hell, what have I gotten myself into” before I felt the first warm licks of flame on my back and I have to say it was the neatest feeling ever. I could smell a slight burning smell, which was the fine hairs on my back being singed off. I was still skittish and seeing the bright flame even through my closed eyes was making me extremely nervous. I laughed nervously and mentioned I needed a blindfold, where Sir quickly produced a bandanna and tied it around my head. Perfect! Now I couldn’t see the brightness from behind my eyelids and I was able to relax…. until the flame moved lower down my back, over my ass, and oh boy was he right! It stung like the dickens on my ass. And maybe it was my imagination, but it surely seemed to me like he was concentrating the attentions to that area as well! I squealed and squirmed quite a bit from the sensation in various places. I sighed with contentment and completely relaxed when he began tapping the backs of my legs with the fire thinking how that was way better than any massage. And then… I think I almost went off the front of the table when I felt the fire being ran up the center of my ass LOL. I laughed a lot and had a lot of fun as did he.

Now it was time to try the cupping. I honestly didn’t think he would, considering how late it was, but before I knew it, I felt the first warm smooth dome shaped glass being pressed to my skin accompanied by a pulling, sucking sensation. I left out a few “ohs’ and “oooooh’s” along the way until I heard Sir say there was now 19 of them on me. I was still blindfolded and couldn’t see the process, so I had no idea what it looked like. Not that I was going to see anything going on considering they were being placed on my back, but I hadn’t previously watched this done, so I had no idea of what to picture in my head. So it was at that moment, after realizing there were nineteen of them already on, that I remembered that I hadn’t asked if it hurt when they came off. So… I asked and I guess a few people found that amusing since laughter was the only response I got. Then the man mentioned that he had a total of 31 cups, all of which he intended on using. Except that he liked “symmetry”. So what did that mean? I immediately found out as I felt one yanked from my skin (damn those suckers suck tight!) and immediately replaced in another spot so that it would be “symmetrical”. Hmmm….only he did that a couple of more times. Somehow I don’t think symmetry was the intended goal!

After all 31 were in place, covering the backs of my upper arms, my entire back, ass, both legs, and even the soles of my feet, I could hear comments from various people about what it looked like. I was still laughing and having a good time, though I was nervous about having them all removed. One by one, they were pulled from my body. A few slipped off relatively easily, most had a pretty good suction. Some hurt being removed, some didn’t. I laughed, squealed, and maybe cussed a little bit here and there. Sir jumped in and began helping to remove them, so at times I had two pulled from me at once. And then… someone mentioned something about playing chess. And I felt the cups being slid against my skin. Owies!! And one in particular, right in the center of my back, was repeatedly slid back and forth in a quick motion. Oh, boy did I ever cuss then! (Which was of course met with more laughter). I breathed a big sigh of relief once it was freed from my skin. Finally, they were all off, though I couldn’t tell. I was asking “Really? That’s all of them?” And then I was told I could flip over to do the front….. I was up and off that table so fast it’s a wonder I didn’t stumble and fall! LOL. I must say, it was quite obvious that this man thoroughly enjoyed what he did. He put on a heck of a good show for the spectators, was very humorous and is a lot of fun. I couldn’t see, but I could definitely hear how well he interacted with not only myself but anyone that was watching.

I turned around to let those who were standing nearby to see my back, I scampered off to the bathroom to look at the cup marks on my back in the mirror, then back across the room. I was beginning to shake, whether it was from the cool air or adrenaline, I’m not sure. More than likely, it was from the adrenaline. Sir and I stood for a few minutes talking with a couple of people. Then it suddenly occurred to me. “Oh My God! I’m naked!” Like, not a stitch of clothes on! Casually standing there talking to people I had never even met before. I needed a hole so I could go hide. At least I had been able to forget about my discomfort and vulnerability for a short while.

Then the photographer (who had previously called it a night and left) made another appearance. I was asked if I wanted pictures. I said yes and Sir looked at me surprised asking me “Really?“ Despite my discomfort at being unclothed, and my overall hating to have my picture taken my immediate response was “Hell yeah, I earned it!” LOL. I posed against the cross so he could get shots of my back, then posed on my knees on a bench with my Sir standing behind me. By that time I was barely registering my discomfort. I was just happy and content.

Next we headed down to the barn for some alone time. The air was cold, I was shivering uncontrollably, but I couldn’t think of a better end to a fantastic day as Sir took what he wanted from me. By the time we got back to the cabin, it was somewhere around 4am and we both just crashed.

We slept through breakfast the next day. I had wanted to go to the class on “Fear Play & Consensual Non-Consent” which was right after breakfast, but we didn’t get up in time for that either. By late morning we were starving so we managed to make it up to the dining hall in time for lunch. After lunch we packed the car up before attending a class on “Event Drop”. A few of the attendees got a little emotional having to say goodbye to good friends that they hadn’t seen in awhile. I mostly just sat and listened to what everyone’s experiences were. I must say, I had finally just started to relax and was not looking forward to going back to the stresses of everyday life. After the class Sir and I decided to walk down to the pond. We laid a blanket out in the grass and just laid back to bask in the sun. My inhibitions were just starting to lift. I even pulled my shirt off and enjoyed the warm sun against my bare breasts. I had never felts so at ease and free. The day was beautiful, the sun warm, and the breeze refreshing. I could have laid there for hours.

The day was winding to a close and with much reluctance we got up and reported for our assigned chore, which was to help clean up after the end of camp. We helped tear down and load all of the dungeon equipment. Once everything was loaded, we gathered the rest of our stuff and headed home.

Looking back, I can’t believe how close I was to not attending because of my silly insecurities and fears. Almost a year has passed and I’ve since been to several other events, but this one is certainly the most special to me.

December 1, 2010

I'll Never Understand

A pediatric patient of mine refuses to eat. She is fed mostly through a feeding tube because of this. The goal is to attempt to get her to take as much of her feeding by mouth, then give whatever she doesn't eat through the feeding tube. So I'm talking to her mom about this and notice a small piece of a baby carrot on the child's bouncy chair tray. I pick it up and take it from her and explain the choking hazards to the mom. She just laughs while saying her son must have given it to her. Then she turns around and hands her daughter a BBQ chip. This patient is around 6 months old so I suggest to the mom that she feed her daughter either stage 1 baby foods or pureed table foods if she wants to give solids. The mom's reply? "But she'll lose weight! We want her to drink from her bottle!"


No matter how hard I tried to explain, I just couldn't get through. Instead, the child will be fed chips and have twice the amount of formula prescribed dumped down her tube "so she doesn't lose weight". No wonder she wont drink it from a bottle. Her poor little belly is stuffed.

November 30, 2010

Pull my Hair!

This was on the car in front of me while driving home from work:

Just the smile I needed after the day I had.

November 29, 2010

How to embarrass your husband:

So my husband and I were out to dinner the other night and I caught him checking out the waitress. She was a cute perky brunette and truth be told, I was checking her out as well. Hubby is still pretty unsure of himself and our new found openness with each other. So I figured I'd just help the guy out by offering to write down his phone number and leaving it with the tip. Predictably, he turned about 10 shades of red and after a bit if sputtering replied that he wouldn't know what to do if she called. My reply (with a big grin of course): "Okaaay.... then would you like me to let my number with the tip?"

He turned yet another shade of red. Sheesh. I was just trying to be helpful!

November 28, 2010

Fuck my Wife

So my husband asked me to type this into my search bar the other day. This is what came up:

I laughed my ass off. So did he even though I don't think it was quite what he was expecting.

November 14, 2010

Letting Go

What happens to a relationship when one or both of the person’s needs aren’t being met? The process of re-evaluating the relationship can be scary when there are strong feelings involved. When a relationship involves D/s, the feelings are bound (no pun intended) to be stronger than a lot of vanilla relationships. Not to discredit the love and strength of the feelings vanilla couples have for one another, but it’s just different. The level of trust and understanding is on a deeper level.

For the submissive, there might be a feeling of personal failure if the relationship doesn’t work. She (or he) might think about what she could have done differently, or how she could have tried harder. While this is true of any relationship, D/s takes it to a whole other level. The submissive will think about what her needs are, and wonder if she is wrong to feel the way she does when she desires more than she is getting. If she is giving all that her Dominant asks of her, shouldn’t she be satisfied with that? She may feel as if she is being selfish and may begin to question herself and wonder if perhaps she isn’t submissive at all. Many times, there are several other factors to take into consideration. Such as the fact that there isn’t always time or opportunity between work, children, and other responsibilities to ensure that all those needs are met.

It is imperative to keep the lines of communication open. Being honest with the other person as well as being honest with yourself is of the utmost importance. This can be a difficult thing to do, especially when you don’t want to face the fact that the relationship might be nearing the end. It’s so easy to think “Things will change. Things will get better. It’s just a rough patch”. We formulate all these little excuses in our head because we don’t want to lose hope. We don’t want to face the truth when we know it’s just not working. Letting go is never easy. But the bottom line is that when it’s just not working, when neither person is getting their needs met and there is no solution, it’s for the best to part ways. Don’t let it get to the point when one or both of you begin to resent the other.

November 7, 2010

Past, Present, and Future

The year’s 2009 and 2010 have been tough. I’ve had several major life changes, some good and some bad. Many of which are rated in the top 10 of serious stressors.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now, together for a few years before that. Our relationship was good most of the time, at least until we stopped talking to each other. Like a lot of people I guess, we just fell into this predictable routine and stopped making an effort. We had a major breakdown in communication, and just….grew apart. It didn't help that he was out of state for work and was able to come home only about 2 weekends per month. I loved him with all my heart, as he did me, but neither of us were happy, and with everything else going on in my life (death of a parent, a rebellious teenage son, the silent treatment from the other parent), well, to be honest, I just didn’t have the strength to fight for our relationship anymore.

He eventually left and filed for divorce. I knew it was a mistake, but I couldn't help but feel a sense of relief. Don't get me wrong, I was devastated. But it sucks to be in the same room with someone who is supposed to be your everything, and feel lonelier than you could think possible.

Around the same time, I also started exploring my kinky side, met people in the lifestyle and made some really great friends. I was finally getting out of the house and basically I just started living my life for myself. I felt accepted for just being me and it felt great to embark on this new journey in life. It just clicked. I had this wow moment, and realized that his is who I am. I met someone that had been there first as just a friend, someone who listened without judging, a shoulder to cry on, then later on, as the relationship grew, someone who I cared about very deeply and had became my Dominant. The friendship began close to the end of my marriage. Sir was there through all the tears and was my closest friend at that time. He often encouraged me to do my best to work on my marriage. He talked to me about my problems from a "man's point of view". He helped me realize some things, but I didn't have any hope. I didn't really listen. I didn't think anything he said really applied to my husband and I. Boy was I wrong.

As the months went past, I was still feeling a great amount of sorrow over the loss of my marriage. Despite all that we had gone through, I loved my husband and was grieving the loss of my family. Even though we weren't together anymore, I still considered him family more than most of my blood relatives. It was becoming difficult for holding onto all these feelings that didn't involve him.

One day my husband called me and admitted that he missed me, that he still loved me. We agreed to meet so we could talk. I had hinted around about some of the activities I had been doing in his absence. He really wanted hear about everything so I took a chance and opened up completely, telling him everything I had done and experienced in the several months he had been gone. Including, how after years of faithfulness, I had an affair during the last months of our relationship. It was quite a shock to him, to hear all I had to say. He was hurt, angry, relieved, happy, a whole mix of emotions that he could only try to describe. Even though he stepped back initially to digest it all, it finally opened up the lines of communication between us.

He left the traveling job and moved back home. The divorce was never finalized and after much thought and conversation between us, we decided to stop the divorce. We are talking more now than we ever had in the past, although I know we have lots more to talk about. He is trying as best as he can to be understanding and supportive of the changes in my life, even though it is difficult for him at times. He recognizes and is respectful of the feelings I have  for the man who is my Dominant. I am beyond amazed by this. The fact that he is willing to be so open-minded just.....blows my mind. I am also grateful for the caring acts of my Dom, who selflessly offered to “step aside“, to allow me to focus solely on my marriage. He told me that he would be there for me in whatever capacity I needed and/or wanted. Whether that meant us maintaining our relationship as is, being friends only, mentoring my husband in the lifestyle, or even severing all ties.

My husband is open to my maintaining that relationship, and  open to exploring the lifestyle with me, though we are unsure in what capacity. He has submissive traits, but even though at first I would have classified him as submissive, I no longer feel that way.  He has recently began to express an interest in asserting more control. He is having fun with some "light" play sessions, though he recognises that I desire and gain satisfaction from more intense sessions. Sir is a sadist, and though I don't consider myself an extreme masochist, I do like being pushed to my limits, which Sir does very well.

So here I am, with two caring, supportive men that I care about deeply. They are both respectful of my relationship with the other. And although it was a bit awkward at first, they have met and a friendship is developing. We all enjoy talking to one another and I can't believe how well this has worked out so far. I still think I'm dreaming at times. While this is all new to me, I do know that poly relationships take a lot of effort to make it work. I also know that our triad is a bit of a rarity as neither my husband nor my Sir are poly. I am the only relationship for either of them. I’m realistic about the possible pitfalls. I know this won't last forever. I’m not sure what the future holds, but for right now, I’m focusing on the present, and the two wonderful men in my life.

October 29, 2010

Home Alone

This has been one crazy hectic week. My job is consuming me to the point that I can't seem to get anything done at home. Luckily my husband and I are on the same work schedule so we've at least managed to sneak in some good quality time together, even if it's for only short periods at a time. Getting in that time with my Sir is proving to be a challenge. We've managed to coordinate our schedules to allow us to at least eat dinner together approximately once a week. Twice if we're lucky. There is barely enough time for a daily phone call.

That's part of the reason I was looking forward to tonight. We had made plans to rent a movie, order a pizza, and just curl up on the sofa together. I know that doesn't sound very exciting. But we have not had any alone time together in a long time. We both miss it. Tremendously. And I'm quite sure that it would have led to some fun playtime as well.

It seems as though we are beginning to have some difficulties communicating effectively. I waited for him to call me. He was waiting for me to call him. By 8pm, I left my house to go rent a movie and called and left him a message while I was on the way. He returned my call just as I was about to pay for the movie. Turns out, he figured I wasn't going to call so he went ahead and got something to eat and was on his way home to go to bed!

I didn't stay on the phone for more than a minute after that. I was just too upset to talk. I had been looking forward to tonight all week. As I drove home, I was sad, and all I could think about was how badly I was craving some playtime. I long to feel the sharp sting of the cane, the dull heavy thud of the flogger, and the hard impact of the slapper. I was looking forward to that sore reminder the next day of a wonderful play session. ~sigh~

I'm hoping Sir and I can get in some quality time soon. I'm beginning to worry about what will happen if we can't find enough time for each other. I'm worried we will soon start to drift apart. I know it will happen one day. But I'm just not ready for it now.

October 20, 2010

Pet Peeve #1

I'm a pretty easygoing person. Not a lot bugs me. At least as long as my obsessive compulsiveness doesn't kick in. But lets talk about public restrooms for a minute. It's not like anybody particularly enjoys using public restrooms. But some people are just so freaked out about it they won't even use them. Ever. I'm not one of those people. I have no problem using one as long as it is clean and doesn't smell horrible. I could talk about several things that bother me about public restrooms, such as lazy people that don't bother to flush, or people that pee all over the seat because they insist on trying to "hover" without at least cleaning it off. But no, I'm going to talk about another pet peeve of mine. Super Duper powerful flushing machines. These are no ordinary toilets. These commodes with the ultra heavy duty flushing mechanism would be powerful enough to effectively make whatever is unlucky enough to fall into its porcelain depths disappear. Kids, go ahead and shove those barbie dolls and whatever toys you want down there!! These toilets will CONSUME them!!

You would think that toilets with a powerful effective flush would be a good thing. But what drives me absolutely nuts, is the fact that the flush is so strong, it totally sprays the seat with every single flush. So what would have been an otherwise clean bathroom, now grosses me out. I mean, who wants to sit on a seat and get a wet behind, especially from dirty toilet water. YUCK!!! Manufacturers and business owners LISTEN UP! More powerful does NOT equal better. I'm tired of inadvertently sitting on WET toilet seats!!!

OK, rant over =)

October 18, 2010

Blissfully sore

Sunday was awful. Beyond awful. That's what I get for being depressed and moody over my bad day at work on Friday. I'm not sure how much more of this teenage rebellion I can take. Anyway, that's a discussion for another day. Today, I don't want to even think about that. I'd much rather bask in the memory of Sunday night.

So I arrive home in the evening, majorly stressed and literally shaking because I was so upset. My husband had a drink in hand awaiting my arrival (and it was a double bless him). I rant and rave for a few minutes while downing my drink, then call my Sir to update him about what was going on. In the meantime I finished my drink and just as quickly, hubby was preparing a second one for me. Now mind you, I'm not much of a drinker, mostly just a casual social drinker, or the occasional need to wind down after a stressful day kind of drinker. So after that double, I was kind of already well on my way to being buzzed pretty good.

So my Sir mentions he hasn't eaten yet. So I'm all like, "Well come on over! I'LL cook you dinner!". And even promised not to burn it (I'm not much of a cook). He hesitated a bit, so I let him talk to hubby who assured him that he was perfectly fine with him coming over. I realize as I'm cutting veggies for the stir fry, that I'm pretty darned buzzed and briefly wondered if maybe this wasn't such a hot idea. Oh well, too late to back out now. Luckily I didn't burn anything, myself included, and everyone had a nice full belly after supper.

Now, I'm still pretty distressed about the events that took place earlier, but I did start to relax a bit. After a period of some nice conversation, I found myself engaged in a bit of struggle play with both Sir and hubby!! There was lots of laughter, tickling, and wrestling. I lost of course (that's only a technicality, I always feel like the winner), but I certainly did enjoy being "bad" and what was even more enjoyable was the hard spanking and caning that followed! EXACTLY what I needed! I not only got to enjoy some playtime (which is a rarity these days due to hectic family and work schedules) but I also got to enjoy some nice cuddle time with me on my knees at Sir's feet and my head resting on his lap. I soooo love this. I was so content and happy by the end of the night, and so relaxed I literally felt like a wet noodle.

Today I'm still reeling in the events of the weekend, but I'm also relishing the soreness, my reminder of our play session and  much needed time together. It's like Sir reads my mind sometimes, and knows exactly what I need. And many many thanks to my wonderful husband, who is being so understanding as he learns about the lifestyle, and who is accommodating and willing to explore this lifestyle with me. I feel so blessed to have these two wonderful men in my life.

October 16, 2010

Suprises, suprises!

After a horrible day at work, I met my Sir out for dinner. I was tired and cranky. Actually, that's an understatement. I was downright bitchy. I have no idea how Sir put up with me. But, as usual, he was doing his best to be sensitive to my feelings and needs, and, knowing how shitty my day was, he was trying to go out of his way to make plans to go where he thought I wanted to go. I'm such a bitch. Nothing was good enough. Everything irritated me. I broke down in tears at least 3 times that evening. I swear, I couldn't have been as patient as he was. Hell, I just wanted to beat my own ass for my poor behavior. But wait, that would have been a reward though. But it sure would have helped me to wind down though. Probably the very thing I needed to relieve some of that stress.

Anyway, I ended the evening early because I didn't want to subject him to any more of my crankiness and just wanted to go home and go to sleep. Shortly after I got home, my husband arrives. He hadn't been expecting me home so early and seemed a little surprised that I was there. Despite how tired I was, we had a wonderful conversation. We've been having a lot of those lately. It feels wonderful when we talk.

It turns out, he was a little disappointed when he arrived home and saw I was there alone. He actually said he was hoping that Sir was there, and that the three of us would have a little playtime together. I was stunned! It was even like he was reading my mind, because the whole evening I was out with Sir, all I kept thinking was "I just wish I could take you home with me to cuddle on the bed".

Polyamory is new to all three of us. The lifestyle (BDSM) is completely new to my husband. He has been so gracious and understanding of my needs , despite struggling at times with having to "share" me, that I am simply amazed by him. It's not everyday that a husband allows his wife to have a boyfriend LOL. Thus far, the three of us have had only two scenes together, and both were very limited and short. Sir takes things slowly when introducing my husband to the lifestyle, being very sensitive and doing his best to anticipate his feelings. But we are definitely making progress and I'm excited that my husband continues to want to be involved!

So hubby and I talked. I let him know how surprised I was by his disappointment. Then I made it very clear, that if he wishes for something like that to occur, he would have to make the plans for it himself. I made it clear that this is our home.I would never assume that he would be ok with seeing another man use me in our own home. I explained that I wouldn't want him to feel as though our personal space was violated, or have unwanted images in his head every time he crawled under the sheets of our bed. He agreed and I could tell he was touched as I reminded him that his feelings always come first. but I could also tell that he was excited about the idea of the three of us spending some together.

Soooo, I'm happily looking forward to another night, when my son is away for the weekend, that I may be surprised with getting a whole night with my two favorite men!

October 14, 2010

Me? Write a Blog?

I've never been much of a writer. Actually, I've always hated being made to write. You know, like when you had a class assignment, were given a topic, and told to write an essay or whatever it is that was wanted. I despised it. I always sat there, my mind completely blank, getting more and more frustrated by the minute.  And whatever finally came out was stupid. Completely and utterly stupid.

I'm hoping this is going to be different. I used to keep a diary as a kid. The words just flowed as the thoughts raced through my mind. It was like therapy in a way. I always felt better afterward. And I am a part of a few social networking sites. I know, unique right? Anyway, I'm told by friends that I am very eloquent with words. And I find that I can express myself better when communicating via email or writing a letter versus talking face to face. I'm not the greatest at forming the words when speaking that truly conveys what I mean or how I'm feeling. So hopefully this blog won't be a complete and utter failure. And by failure, I mean that I personally don't achieve a sense of satisfaction from it. I don't ever expect others to be interested enough to actually read it. At least, that's not my goal here.

Anyway, I'll be back another evening. I need to get some sleep.