February 25, 2011

The Club

The club is busy. There is much to see. People in various states of undress are all around. A tall thin man, wearing only a simple pair of blue jeans, is paraded around the club by an even taller brunette wearing 6 inch stiletto boots. His bare feet move quickly across the cold cement floor as she leads him by a 3 foot chain leash, attached to the leather studded collar that is fastened securely around his neck. A beautiful petite woman with an athletic shape is standing on the center of a thin mat. Her arms are crossed in front of her. She gazes at the man expectantly as he expertly winds the rope across and around her body. The bright flash of light catches my attention from the far corner. I watch as a tall heavy man runs a flame tipped wand between the center of a woman’s breasts.

Suddenly my collar bites into my neck as it is tugged sharply by my Sir, bringing my attention back to where it belongs. Him. My knees are beginning to ache from the hard floor. I feel the tingling sensation in my feet and toes from the lack of blood flow due to my awkward position. I stare up into his eyes, envying him for being able to sit on the warm soft sofa. His voice floats down to me, strong and demanding, instructing me to stand up. Grateful, I stand slowly, feeling the blood rush down my legs, causing a sudden surge of pins and needles to spread all the way up to my thighs. As I stretch, I’m again distracted by the scenery around me. Until I hear him speak again, a hint of amusement in his voice.

“Take off your panties”, he says in a firm voice. I’m wearing a black dress, goth style. The short skirt flares out over my hips, barely covering my ass. The top has an overlay that resembles a corset. It is tight. So tight I can’t fully take a breath and it pushes my breasts up and out. I stare at him stupidly as I concentrate on breathing. He repeats, “Take off your panties”, a warning tone in his voice telling me that if I delay any longer, I will regret it. I glance around self consciously and reach up under my dress, hooking my thumbs around the edge of my soft blue cotton panties. I look into his eyes as I bend at the waist, pulling my panties down my legs. I step out of them clumsily as they get caught on my high heeled boots. Embarrassed, I free them and stand quickly, palming the panties into a tight ball in my fist, trying to hide them from the prying eyes of those nearby.

“Put them into your mouth”. I stare at him in horror. He must be kidding. I couldn’t have heard him right. I watch as his eyebrows arch and I realize that he is waiting for me to obey. It will be worse if I anger him. A single tear slides lazily down my cheek. People will see. They will see me stuffing my mouth with my own panties. I feel humiliated and embarrassed. “Do it. Now”. I swallow hard as I feel another tear trickle down an identical path on the other cheek. I take a deep breath and quickly push the panties into my mouth. I lower my head so my hair hangs down over face, trying to hide. Another tug on the leash. This one more gentle, pulling me as I bend at the waist until I am face to face with Sir. I’m feeling even more humiliated, the edges of my panties hanging out of my mouth, my ass bared for all to see as I stand there bent over. He kisses the tip of my nose and then pulls me down over his lap. I close my eyes as I settle in, face down.

I feel his warm calloused hand touch the back of my knee, his fingers squeezing slightly as he slowly glides his hand up the back of my thigh. I feel a sudden draft as the short skirt is flipped up, exposing my bare ass. My head is lifted as his fingers wind their way through my hair and pull. My eyes catch those of a stranger standing a short distance away just as his hand sharply smacks my ass. I feel a wet warmth between my legs. I’m embarrassed. I’m turned on by the humiliation. This embarrasses me farther.

He continues to spank me, his hand falling into the same rhythm of the bass coming from the stereo. I begin to arch my back, lifting my ass up to meet the palm of his hand. I’m no longer embarrassed. I’m no longer aware of the others in the club. The only thing I’m aware of, is the sweet ecstasy, the sweet pleasure only He can give me.

February 21, 2011

Domme for the Night.

My husband and I went out to a local gay club with his family for Halloween. Just for fun I dressed up as a Domme, complete with my Sir’s flogger. Hubby wore a collar and leash. I STILL can’t believe he agreed to this. It was quite fun. Everyone in his family got a huge kick out of our outfits. Especially his sister, and his brother’s boyfriend, who are in the know about me. LOTS of innuendo’s and jokes were made about me/us. But nothing too obvious as there were another 2 brothers who are NOT in the know.

I paraded my husband around the club, pulling him along by his leash. I was almost having too much fun with this! The best was when I led him to the women’s bathroom and made him wait outside while I went inside. It didn’t take long at all for some random gay guy to tug on my husband’s leash and ask him if he wanted to go for a walk LOL. We posed for pictures. Lots of pictures. We all had a great time.

I work with my nephew. And I'm technically his boss. Sometimes I forget about the family connection when we are at work so it took me by surprise when he made a reference to Halloween. And before leaving the office, he made the comment "be sure not to keep him on too short a leash" when talking about my husband. I turned about 10 shades of red and started to ask.....then realized about 4 of my coworkers were staring at me with quite a bit of interest. I decided it would be better to say nothing more.

February 16, 2011

My bisexuality

I've always been bisexual. Ever since I discovered sex/masturbation, I have been sexually attracted to women. In fact, when I first started masturbating, I relied only on images, thoughts, and videos of women to light my fire. That remains the same to this day. I would say about 90% of my masturbatory fantasies pertain to women.

This is an excerpt of a journal entry written by a friend. I will say, reading this has affected me in quite the positive way. You see, I discovered masturbation somewhere between the ages of 10 to 12. and exactly like my friend, I masturbated to images I created in my head. Images of women. Women exposing themselves or being exposed. Voyeur and exhibition fantasies. Always involving women. It was the bare breasts, the round hips, the curve of the ass that attracted me. The female form is a beautiful thing.

I was confused by this. I was ashamed by it. I didn’t understand it. I was attracted to boys. I wanted a boyfriend. I did not feel an attraction to girls I knew. It was only in these early morning or late night images I created in my head. I tried to masturbate to fantasies of men. It didn’t work. I couldn't cum. At least not until I pictured that man doing something delicious to a beautiful woman. Not until I pictured that man's lips tugging on a perfect nipple. Then BAM! The orgasm would explode throughout my body.

I questioned myself. I wondered if I was a lesbian. I wondered what the heck was the matter with me. But mostly, I refused to allow myself to think about it. I allowed the images, I just refused to analyze what it could mean. I was ashamed.

I realized as I read my friends journal entry, that even though I'm part of a group of friends that are open and accepting, I was still ashamed. I realized that I hadn’t admitted to anybody what I fantasize about when I masturbate. I hadn’t admitted to anybody that when I watch porn, it is really the women I'm watching and not the men. I realized that I was still embarrassed by this. I also realized that I'm no longer confused.

I know that I like men. I know that I prefer men. I know that I'm in love with a very wonderful man. But I also know that I'm attracted to women and that there is nothing wrong with that. There is no reason to be ashamed by it. There is no reason to hide my fantasies anymore. There is no reason to pretend to be anything other than I am.

February 14, 2011

February 10, 2011

Feeling the Love

My hormones must be acting up. Ordinarily I’m not a very moody kind of person. But my moods DO fluctuate much like most people I’m sure. For the past couple of days, I’ve been in this really sappy lovey dovey kind of mood. Seriously, I’m loving everyone right now.

Well, except my boss. He’s two months behind on my annual evaluation, thus 2 months behind on my raise. And not my cable company. They’ve done jacked the rates up one too many times. And not the satellite company I’m trying to set up services with. So far, their customer service sucks.

But really, I’m loving most everyone right now. I told my cousin how she is the greatest thing ever and how she is going to be this amazing mother, and how she should never doubt herself because she is just fabulous and how I’m so proud of her. I hugged my son so tight today and damn near started crying because I love him so much. I thought of my husband and wonder how the hell did I ever get so lucky to have such an amazing man like him in my life. I almost hugged my lawyer I was so overcome with gratitude for all his help (I refrained, I’m not a very huggy person except to those I’m really close to). I keep having this overwhelming urge to tell my Sir “I love you”. I do love him, but those words have not been spoken between us and I’m not sure that’s something either him or my husband is ready to hear. My puppy has been annoying the crap out of me lately, but today, I hugged her in a moment of “I’m so glad you’re here, I love you, and I’m so sorry I yelled at you for eating your poop!”

Usually I complain about being moody. Usually when I’m moody, I’m in a cranky sort of mood. But this lovey dovey sappy mood? Other than the tears I shed thinking of how my teenage son is no longer that sweet innocent baby, it’s not so bad. Here’s to feeling the love!

February 9, 2011

Was it all a dream?

The memories of it are beginning to fade. Not because I'm forgetting, but because I'm choosing to not think about it. If I allow myself to think about it, I am reminded of what I don't have by the deep ache inside of me. This, you see, would be selfish. I have a lot to be thankful for. To mourn the past would make me feel as though I'm being ungrateful for what I do have. But just this once...

I vividly remember our first meeting. I remember walking across that parking lot. I remember feeling so unsure of myself. I remember the anxious flutter of the butterflies in my belly. I remember seeing you from a distance, wondering to myself, "Is that him?" I remember the fear. The fear of the unknown. I remember wondering if this was a mistake. But mostly, I remember the love I felt. A love that existed even before meeting you. A love that was a betrayal to my current life. A love that shouldn't have existed. But it did.

I remember falling to me knees before you. The first time I had ever done this for another. I remember looking up at you feeling only adoration. I remember the feel of your fist in my hair. I remember the feel of your hand around my throat. I remember the breath that was trapped in my lungs, awaiting  your permission to be released. I remember your hot breath in my ear. I remember your sweet voice telling me I was loved. I remember the feel of your body pressed heavily down onto mine. I remember the feel of your teeth biting into my back as you claimed me as Yours. I remember wanting more before it ended.

I had never felt so submissive to anyone before or since that time. I would have done anything you had asked of me. Even though I had my moments where I disobeyed (like when I insisted on locking that bathroom door), when it came down to it, I really would have done anything you had asked. I felt safe with you. I wanted you to know how much I loved you. I wanted to please you like no other. I gave my all to you. I willingly offered you everything and anything you wanted. My body, my heart, my soul.

How did this happen? How is it possible? Two random strangers, coming into contact online. Falling in love so quickly. How is that possible?

Time has passed. It's been over a year. Wow. Really? How can the time have passed so quickly? If I saw you today, I guarantee that it will feel like I just saw you yesterday. Like no time has passed. Like I am still Yours.

I craved you. I CRAVED you. I can't explain it any other way. Once, you asked me if it was you I loved, or if it was the D/s I loved. I knew the answer then, even if a small part of me asked the same question. A year later, I can without a doubt answer that it was NOT the D/s. I loved YOU.

The ferocity with which I craved you....it overwhelmed me. The feelings were that intense. It was something you read about, not something that you felt. I was insatiable. I couldn't get enough. I couldn't get close enough. I wanted more. I wanted so much more it astounded me. I didn't recognize these feelings.

It's been over a year since we began. It's been a year since we last saw each other.

So what would it be like if we bumped into each other on the street tomorrow? Would that electricity still be there? Would I be overcome with my need for you again? Would I still crave you?

I can answer without a doubt.


February 7, 2011

Vanilla Husband turned Kinky?

So I know I've been inactive for a bit. I haven't forgotten about or abandoned blogging. I'd like to say that I will be able to write something worthwhile on a regular basis. Really, it's cathartic for me. But, I'd be lying to say that I wouldn't be taking mini breaks periodically. Life is just too hectic. I'm hoping some of it will calm down soon (Seriously, I'm due for a break). Anyway, between my 50+ hour a week job, a custody battle, some mild to moderate depression, a puppy, a teenager, a husband, a boyfriend, and many more things I don't care to mention at the moment....well, by the end of the day I'm literally collapsing in exhaustion.

On a side note, my vanilla husband is taking on more of an interest in some BDSM activities. We had a our first "scene" together over the weekend. It was great. A bit of rope, a flogger, a slapper, and a cane...He did great. I had to encourage him at times, I had to reassure him other times, but really, he did great. He enjoyed himself, which is what is most important to me. I love him as he is, vanilla or kinky, it doesn't matter to me. I love HIM. And if he decides he wants to be a part of the lifestyle, in whatever capacity, well, that's just a bonus for me! We're looking forward to attending his first event together in about 3 months. He's showing a particular interest in fire play and shibari and hoping to see and learn more at the 3 day event we will be attending. Double bonus for me!

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Chains and Whips Excite Me

Rhianna's "S&M"...My new favorite video!!