February 16, 2011

My bisexuality

I've always been bisexual. Ever since I discovered sex/masturbation, I have been sexually attracted to women. In fact, when I first started masturbating, I relied only on images, thoughts, and videos of women to light my fire. That remains the same to this day. I would say about 90% of my masturbatory fantasies pertain to women.

This is an excerpt of a journal entry written by a friend. I will say, reading this has affected me in quite the positive way. You see, I discovered masturbation somewhere between the ages of 10 to 12. and exactly like my friend, I masturbated to images I created in my head. Images of women. Women exposing themselves or being exposed. Voyeur and exhibition fantasies. Always involving women. It was the bare breasts, the round hips, the curve of the ass that attracted me. The female form is a beautiful thing.

I was confused by this. I was ashamed by it. I didn’t understand it. I was attracted to boys. I wanted a boyfriend. I did not feel an attraction to girls I knew. It was only in these early morning or late night images I created in my head. I tried to masturbate to fantasies of men. It didn’t work. I couldn't cum. At least not until I pictured that man doing something delicious to a beautiful woman. Not until I pictured that man's lips tugging on a perfect nipple. Then BAM! The orgasm would explode throughout my body.

I questioned myself. I wondered if I was a lesbian. I wondered what the heck was the matter with me. But mostly, I refused to allow myself to think about it. I allowed the images, I just refused to analyze what it could mean. I was ashamed.

I realized as I read my friends journal entry, that even though I'm part of a group of friends that are open and accepting, I was still ashamed. I realized that I hadn’t admitted to anybody what I fantasize about when I masturbate. I hadn’t admitted to anybody that when I watch porn, it is really the women I'm watching and not the men. I realized that I was still embarrassed by this. I also realized that I'm no longer confused.

I know that I like men. I know that I prefer men. I know that I'm in love with a very wonderful man. But I also know that I'm attracted to women and that there is nothing wrong with that. There is no reason to be ashamed by it. There is no reason to hide my fantasies anymore. There is no reason to pretend to be anything other than I am.

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