February 9, 2011

Was it all a dream?

The memories of it are beginning to fade. Not because I'm forgetting, but because I'm choosing to not think about it. If I allow myself to think about it, I am reminded of what I don't have by the deep ache inside of me. This, you see, would be selfish. I have a lot to be thankful for. To mourn the past would make me feel as though I'm being ungrateful for what I do have. But just this once...

I vividly remember our first meeting. I remember walking across that parking lot. I remember feeling so unsure of myself. I remember the anxious flutter of the butterflies in my belly. I remember seeing you from a distance, wondering to myself, "Is that him?" I remember the fear. The fear of the unknown. I remember wondering if this was a mistake. But mostly, I remember the love I felt. A love that existed even before meeting you. A love that was a betrayal to my current life. A love that shouldn't have existed. But it did.

I remember falling to me knees before you. The first time I had ever done this for another. I remember looking up at you feeling only adoration. I remember the feel of your fist in my hair. I remember the feel of your hand around my throat. I remember the breath that was trapped in my lungs, awaiting  your permission to be released. I remember your hot breath in my ear. I remember your sweet voice telling me I was loved. I remember the feel of your body pressed heavily down onto mine. I remember the feel of your teeth biting into my back as you claimed me as Yours. I remember wanting more before it ended.

I had never felt so submissive to anyone before or since that time. I would have done anything you had asked of me. Even though I had my moments where I disobeyed (like when I insisted on locking that bathroom door), when it came down to it, I really would have done anything you had asked. I felt safe with you. I wanted you to know how much I loved you. I wanted to please you like no other. I gave my all to you. I willingly offered you everything and anything you wanted. My body, my heart, my soul.

How did this happen? How is it possible? Two random strangers, coming into contact online. Falling in love so quickly. How is that possible?

Time has passed. It's been over a year. Wow. Really? How can the time have passed so quickly? If I saw you today, I guarantee that it will feel like I just saw you yesterday. Like no time has passed. Like I am still Yours.

I craved you. I CRAVED you. I can't explain it any other way. Once, you asked me if it was you I loved, or if it was the D/s I loved. I knew the answer then, even if a small part of me asked the same question. A year later, I can without a doubt answer that it was NOT the D/s. I loved YOU.

The ferocity with which I craved you....it overwhelmed me. The feelings were that intense. It was something you read about, not something that you felt. I was insatiable. I couldn't get enough. I couldn't get close enough. I wanted more. I wanted so much more it astounded me. I didn't recognize these feelings.

It's been over a year since we began. It's been a year since we last saw each other.

So what would it be like if we bumped into each other on the street tomorrow? Would that electricity still be there? Would I be overcome with my need for you again? Would I still crave you?

I can answer without a doubt.


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