November 7, 2010

Past, Present, and Future

The year’s 2009 and 2010 have been tough. I’ve had several major life changes, some good and some bad. Many of which are rated in the top 10 of serious stressors.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now, together for a few years before that. Our relationship was good most of the time, at least until we stopped talking to each other. Like a lot of people I guess, we just fell into this predictable routine and stopped making an effort. We had a major breakdown in communication, and just….grew apart. It didn't help that he was out of state for work and was able to come home only about 2 weekends per month. I loved him with all my heart, as he did me, but neither of us were happy, and with everything else going on in my life (death of a parent, a rebellious teenage son, the silent treatment from the other parent), well, to be honest, I just didn’t have the strength to fight for our relationship anymore.

He eventually left and filed for divorce. I knew it was a mistake, but I couldn't help but feel a sense of relief. Don't get me wrong, I was devastated. But it sucks to be in the same room with someone who is supposed to be your everything, and feel lonelier than you could think possible.

Around the same time, I also started exploring my kinky side, met people in the lifestyle and made some really great friends. I was finally getting out of the house and basically I just started living my life for myself. I felt accepted for just being me and it felt great to embark on this new journey in life. It just clicked. I had this wow moment, and realized that his is who I am. I met someone that had been there first as just a friend, someone who listened without judging, a shoulder to cry on, then later on, as the relationship grew, someone who I cared about very deeply and had became my Dominant. The friendship began close to the end of my marriage. Sir was there through all the tears and was my closest friend at that time. He often encouraged me to do my best to work on my marriage. He talked to me about my problems from a "man's point of view". He helped me realize some things, but I didn't have any hope. I didn't really listen. I didn't think anything he said really applied to my husband and I. Boy was I wrong.

As the months went past, I was still feeling a great amount of sorrow over the loss of my marriage. Despite all that we had gone through, I loved my husband and was grieving the loss of my family. Even though we weren't together anymore, I still considered him family more than most of my blood relatives. It was becoming difficult for holding onto all these feelings that didn't involve him.

One day my husband called me and admitted that he missed me, that he still loved me. We agreed to meet so we could talk. I had hinted around about some of the activities I had been doing in his absence. He really wanted hear about everything so I took a chance and opened up completely, telling him everything I had done and experienced in the several months he had been gone. Including, how after years of faithfulness, I had an affair during the last months of our relationship. It was quite a shock to him, to hear all I had to say. He was hurt, angry, relieved, happy, a whole mix of emotions that he could only try to describe. Even though he stepped back initially to digest it all, it finally opened up the lines of communication between us.

He left the traveling job and moved back home. The divorce was never finalized and after much thought and conversation between us, we decided to stop the divorce. We are talking more now than we ever had in the past, although I know we have lots more to talk about. He is trying as best as he can to be understanding and supportive of the changes in my life, even though it is difficult for him at times. He recognizes and is respectful of the feelings I have  for the man who is my Dominant. I am beyond amazed by this. The fact that he is willing to be so open-minded just.....blows my mind. I am also grateful for the caring acts of my Dom, who selflessly offered to “step aside“, to allow me to focus solely on my marriage. He told me that he would be there for me in whatever capacity I needed and/or wanted. Whether that meant us maintaining our relationship as is, being friends only, mentoring my husband in the lifestyle, or even severing all ties.

My husband is open to my maintaining that relationship, and  open to exploring the lifestyle with me, though we are unsure in what capacity. He has submissive traits, but even though at first I would have classified him as submissive, I no longer feel that way.  He has recently began to express an interest in asserting more control. He is having fun with some "light" play sessions, though he recognises that I desire and gain satisfaction from more intense sessions. Sir is a sadist, and though I don't consider myself an extreme masochist, I do like being pushed to my limits, which Sir does very well.

So here I am, with two caring, supportive men that I care about deeply. They are both respectful of my relationship with the other. And although it was a bit awkward at first, they have met and a friendship is developing. We all enjoy talking to one another and I can't believe how well this has worked out so far. I still think I'm dreaming at times. While this is all new to me, I do know that poly relationships take a lot of effort to make it work. I also know that our triad is a bit of a rarity as neither my husband nor my Sir are poly. I am the only relationship for either of them. I’m realistic about the possible pitfalls. I know this won't last forever. I’m not sure what the future holds, but for right now, I’m focusing on the present, and the two wonderful men in my life.

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