Jealousy?

My former Sir has met someone. I'm happy for him. He's a good guy. We had a our differences, which over time caused me to become more and more annoyed, but he is well meaning. I want him to be happy. He deserves to be happy. I'm married. I love my husband. I'm happy. I have a good life.

So why do I feel jealous? I have no right to. I do NOT want him back in my life. At least not in a romantic way or in a D/s context. Why do I feel jealous? Why do I feel nervous about meeting her? How can I expect others to understand me when I don't even understand me?

Yawn

My life has been a bit on the stale side. I haven't updated much here simply because there hasn't been much to update on. I had the photo shoot that I recently posted on. Honestly that has been the only exciting thing to happen to me in a while. I'm working. A lot. When I'm not working, I'm trying to recuperate from work, which consists of sleeping or vegging in the couch. Really not exciting. I need to find a way to make some "me" time. Time to start exercising again, and time doing the lifestyle activities that I enjoy. I haven't even attended any munches in several months. I miss my lifestyle friends.

There are a few things coming in the near future though. Another Nyotaimori event is coming up soon and I agreed to be a nude sushi model again. That will be fun. And camp is coming up in a few months and my husband surprised me by readily agreeing to go with me again. Only this time, it will just be the two of us. But that's okay with me. I'm looking forward to more exploration with my husband. Anyway, until then, I may be a bit quiet, but I assure you, I'm still here and you will be updating as I have time. 

Bad Influence

I was the bad influence. I was only a teenager. Due to life circumstances, I was forced to grow up at a young age. By the time I was old enough to drive, I was working full time to support myself. I lived with my older boyfriend. I was deemed the "bad influence" by an aunt and uncle, who didn't want me to influence their daughter, simply because I was living with an older boyfriend, out of wedlock. (My parents had granted my boyfriend legal guardianship) I was a good student, I was a good person, I was kind to others, I had morals. I digress....

Unbeknownst to them, their daughter was sneaking out at night and having unprotected sex with boys. She talked to me. I tried my best to steer her in the right direction. It was to no avail. I kept my mouth shut, because I knew that telling her parents would not do any good. They were so strict and allowed her no freedom as it was, and this was her way of rebelling.

Today, many many years later. I am now the "good one", and she "the trouble child". She continues to sleep around (without her husband's consent), she smokes, she does drugs (she's addicted to cocaine), and she neglects her daughter in her usual drunken and drugged stupor.

Oh, and did I mention that the aunt and uncle are both alcoholics, recovering crack addicts, aldulterists, and the uncle had a history of physically abusing the wife and kids?

And I was the bad influence???

Longings

I spoke today, via instant messenger, to the man that was my first (and only) Master. It's been 2 years since our relationship ended. Much to my surprise, all those old feelings came rushing back. I loved him with my whole heart. It wasn't supposed to happen, I didn't want it to happen. But no matter how wrong it all was, we were just right for each other.

I long for that relationship. I long to worship Him freely. I long to show him how much I love Him. I long to please Him in any way that He wishes. He was the only man I ever obeyed without question or complaint, no matter the request.

I ache inside for what I can't have. That makes it all the worse, because I love my husband, and couldn't imagine a life without him. I will not reply to any more emails He sends. It's for the best, all around. He is off limits.

It may be time...

I'm getting antsy. It's been just about 2 months since my last play session, and the break-up of my Sir and I. I'm feeling that familiar craving creeping back. I'm longing for someone to just take control. To allow me to be myself, to allow me to follow his guidance, to allow me to submit.

My husband and I are currently talking about how this will work, how I will go about meeting someone new and the process of getting to know them. This is sticky territory. Not only do I have to be comfortable, but so does my husband. My safety and well being are of utmost importance to him. It will be a slow, long process until I find that one. I may be ready to just jump in head first, but I have to go at my husband's pace. I must be patient.

Whips, Floggers, and Rope! Oh My!

Since the break-up of my Sir and I, my husband has been trying to step up his game I believe. At camp I bought him his very first flogger as a gift. It has yet to be used, but he was very happy to see what I brought him.

Sir (ex-Sir? I need to come up with a name.) gave him a single tail whip that he had in his play bag but didn't use. It was in poor shape but my husband has been working very hard to revive it. He spent hours oiling it, working it, and hours in the garage and at a local park cracking it. He is using one of my teddy bears strung up from  a tree for the purpose of practicing his aim. I am quite sure he got some strange looks from others in the park LOL.

Hubby has also become much more assertive with me. Usually he lets me get my own way and gives in, but I'm liking this side of him. The sex has been wonderful as usual, but I am enjoying the aggressiveness he is beginning to show during sex. I'm wondering though if this is his attempt at trying to fill that void for me. We had talked about what might happen and the possibility of my finding another Dom when the relationship ended with Sir. He expressed that he was open to that idea, but I'm wondering now if he is hoping that won't happen. We also talked about the idea of possibly finding a female top. I don't know. Honestly, I'm just not ready to think about it. Maybe in a month or two, but not now.

I still miss Sir, but in a way I'm sort of relieved. He has gotten a few questions about what happened between us from mutual friends, but nobody has asked me about it. We had already worked together for a generic reply that we could tell people that asked about why our relationship ended. I'm a very private person and I hate drama and gossip. I'm sure people will gossip anyway, but once they see that we still attend munches together and are still very good friends, it will certainly minimize any fuel for any nosy or unkind questions/remarks.

Doubts

I miss Sir. He wasn't just a play partner. I cared about him deeply and I guess you could say I loved him. Even though he annoyed the heck out of me sometimes. I guess the point of this post is to put some of the issues out there. The things that I didn’t like about our time together. Although it’s going to appear to the contrary, I am in no way bashing him. Like I said, I care about him very much. I just need to put this down, in black and white, the reason why I ended the relationship. So I can look at it when I need a reminder. Something to get rid of those nagging little doubts in my head when I’m missing him, or missing our playtime.




In a previous post I talked about trust issues I had. I trusted him…..but a few wrong moves with a flogger broke that trust. I began to get guarded when we would play. I would “bitch and complain” as he would say, when he wanted to bind me with chain. He thought I hated to be bound. In reality I loved it. What I hated was the fact that I could no longer move, therefore I couldn’t protect delicate areas from stray flogger strikes. You see, he is a sadist. He rarely provided me with the luxury of a warm up. Just fast, super hard strikes. Once, while I was bent over a bench, one of those super hard strikes that should only be meant for a well cushioned ass, hit me right across the pussy. I cried. He didn’t seem to understand and tried to analyze how it could have happened. I wanted to scream, “How could it not happen!?! My legs are spread and I’m bent over!”.



This wasn’t the only time. He loves to use floggers with longer flails. While nice, the aim wasn’t very accurate. At least, not the way he used them. Many times, I’ve ended up with welts and marks that took weeks to fade. Not just on my back and ass, but also on the sides of my breasts and belly. Because the flails were so long, they would wrap around because he didn’t take that into account when he was striking me. And the belly should never be hit with the force with which he used. Really, it should never be hit at all. That is where all the vital organs are. I’ve also had a few stray strikes to the face with the flogger. Ones that were meant for the back, but again, long flails and poor aim are not a good combination.



Sir had this piece of wood. It was about 5 feet long, an inch wide, and about a half an inch thick. It was this long splintered fragment from an old skid that he picked up from work. All along its length, there were tiny splinters from the rough wood. Once, he cracked me with it quite unexpectedly. I became quite upset and told him not to ever use that on me again. That was just another time I was “bitching and complaining”. I explained to him that it wasn’t safe. It was dirty and I didn’t want to pick out a million splinters from my backside. I didn’t want the potential for infection. Again, he didn’t understand and just said, “you won’t get splinters”. After having been swatted with it a few more times, I finally had to call “red” and tell him that particular “toy” was a “hard limit”. I’m still disbelieving and a little angry that I actually had to tell him it was a hard limit, even after explaining why this “toy” was not safe in my eyes.



Sir had some problems with impotence. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. While that wasn’t a real problem for me, the fact that he liked to compensate with his fingers was. He has very rough, calloused fingers from his line of work. I am extremely sensitive in the nether regions. He also liked using a rough touch. I had problems becoming aroused when he touched my pussy. It was too rough. It hurt in a not good way. He would frequently insist on me squirting. Something I have never done in my life, and to the best of my knowledge, I’m not capable of. He would very roughly “massage” my g spot. On my end, it felt like somebody jabbing me very hard. All while he kept repeating, “Now squirt. Do it now”. It usually ended with me near tears and not wanting to play anymore. Even after explaining to him how it felt to me, and that it hurt me, and that I would not “squirt”, he downplayed my feelings by telling me “You just need to let go”. He heard me, but he didn’t listen to me.



He wanted me to hit subspace with him. I did maybe once or twice during scenes with him. He would try to repeat it but was always unsuccessful when he was trying. I’d explain what was done differently the 1 or 2 times I did make it to subspace: slow, steady, and rhythmic. Gradual increase in intensity. He ignored this as well. Like I said before, no warm up. Just “CRACK”. Very hard, random strikes out of the blue. I can’t achieve subspace like that. When I’m close, it brings me right out of it.



The last time we played together was at camp. The night before I left. I asked him if we could play. He cuffed my wrists and ankles to a light pole outside. It went well for the most part. He used a 2 inch wide paint stick in addition to a flogger and slapper. The scene ended with him using the paint stick, attempting to use a rhythmic tempo in beat to the music for my behalf. I was nearing that blissful head space in no time and kept asking him to go a little harder. The scene ended with my ass bleeding (completely unintentional and freaked us both out a little bit). After going to the infirmary for antibiotic ointment and a large gauze bandage, the night ended.



The next day we talked. He told me that he had gained absolutely no enjoyment from our play session because he tried to “alter” his “play style” to meet my needs. I again reiterated what I felt was safe and what was not. He told me that he had no intention on changing. He stated that he thought I just enjoyed the kinks, that I wasn’t really submissive. That I wasn’t a masochist and that he liked things “rough”. I disagreed with all of that, but it was a moot point. We agreed that our desires within the lifestyle were not compatible. Though it was mutual. I was the first to say “There is nothing left. It’s over”.



I think he is sad too. We’ve met a few times since for dinner and remain good friends. My husband sees him frequently and tells me that he thinks Sir misses me. I feel sad that it’s over, but yes, seeing it all spelled out…..I know I made the right decision in ending things. I just truly hope that he takes the things I have told him, and learns. Regardless whether you are sub, bottom, masochist…..it doesn’t matter. It needs to be mutual and both parties need to benefit from the play. Otherwise, there is no reason to continue. And some things aren’t safe no matter who you are.

Dry Spell

Warning: If you are of the male species and don’t care to hear about female “issues”. Stop here. Do not read this post.

I’m in the middle of a major dry spell. I have no desire. My libido is gone. My husband and I haven’t had sex in almost a month. I can’t remember the last time I was with Sir. I don’t even masturbate anymore. It’s these fucking birth control pills.

I don’t need to take them. My husband had a vasectomy years ago. I have an IUD in place. No worries about me becoming pregnant.

My periods are all out of whack. I’m sick of it. I menstruate anywhere from 2 to 3 weeks out of the month. All tests come back within normal limits. There is nothing clinically “wrong” with me. The IUD was a last ditch effort to solve the problem. Supposedly, a large percentage of women stop menstruating completely with the IUD. Not me. I didn’t have any improvement in the length of my cycles whatsoever.

The only thing that has controlled my periods effectively in the past was “the pill”. But, as I’ve learned over the years, there was a major drawback. I lost ALL sexual drive when on them.

I couldn’t stand it anymore. So I’m back on the pill. And now me, my husband, and my Sir are paying for it. I don’t know what the solution is here. I asked my gynecologist to just please take my uterus out. She just laughed. I was being serious.

Hardly anything arouses me these days. I want to be aroused. I still think about sex. I still want sex. It’s just that my body doesn’t respond. Except when I get emails like this from my Sir:

I want to attach your hot little wrists and ankles to a bed, mount you
like a goddamn animal, wrap my hand around your neck and bite the side
of it while fucking your asshole as you scream and cum inside you in two
minutes. A quick and simple rape. I'm horny.

Now that makes me hot.

My bisexuality

I've always been bisexual. Ever since I discovered sex/masturbation, I have been sexually attracted to women. In fact, when I first started masturbating, I relied only on images, thoughts, and videos of women to light my fire. That remains the same to this day. I would say about 90% of my masturbatory fantasies pertain to women.

This is an excerpt of a journal entry written by a friend. I will say, reading this has affected me in quite the positive way. You see, I discovered masturbation somewhere between the ages of 10 to 12. and exactly like my friend, I masturbated to images I created in my head. Images of women. Women exposing themselves or being exposed. Voyeur and exhibition fantasies. Always involving women. It was the bare breasts, the round hips, the curve of the ass that attracted me. The female form is a beautiful thing.

I was confused by this. I was ashamed by it. I didn’t understand it. I was attracted to boys. I wanted a boyfriend. I did not feel an attraction to girls I knew. It was only in these early morning or late night images I created in my head. I tried to masturbate to fantasies of men. It didn’t work. I couldn't cum. At least not until I pictured that man doing something delicious to a beautiful woman. Not until I pictured that man's lips tugging on a perfect nipple. Then BAM! The orgasm would explode throughout my body.

I questioned myself. I wondered if I was a lesbian. I wondered what the heck was the matter with me. But mostly, I refused to allow myself to think about it. I allowed the images, I just refused to analyze what it could mean. I was ashamed.

I realized as I read my friends journal entry, that even though I'm part of a group of friends that are open and accepting, I was still ashamed. I realized that I hadn’t admitted to anybody what I fantasize about when I masturbate. I hadn’t admitted to anybody that when I watch porn, it is really the women I'm watching and not the men. I realized that I was still embarrassed by this. I also realized that I'm no longer confused.

I know that I like men. I know that I prefer men. I know that I'm in love with a very wonderful man. But I also know that I'm attracted to women and that there is nothing wrong with that. There is no reason to be ashamed by it. There is no reason to hide my fantasies anymore. There is no reason to pretend to be anything other than I am.

Feeling the Love

My hormones must be acting up. Ordinarily I’m not a very moody kind of person. But my moods DO fluctuate much like most people I’m sure. For the past couple of days, I’ve been in this really sappy lovey dovey kind of mood. Seriously, I’m loving everyone right now.

Well, except my boss. He’s two months behind on my annual evaluation, thus 2 months behind on my raise. And not my cable company. They’ve done jacked the rates up one too many times. And not the satellite company I’m trying to set up services with. So far, their customer service sucks.

But really, I’m loving most everyone right now. I told my cousin how she is the greatest thing ever and how she is going to be this amazing mother, and how she should never doubt herself because she is just fabulous and how I’m so proud of her. I hugged my son so tight today and damn near started crying because I love him so much. I thought of my husband and wonder how the hell did I ever get so lucky to have such an amazing man like him in my life. I almost hugged my lawyer I was so overcome with gratitude for all his help (I refrained, I’m not a very huggy person except to those I’m really close to). I keep having this overwhelming urge to tell my Sir “I love you”. I do love him, but those words have not been spoken between us and I’m not sure that’s something either him or my husband is ready to hear. My puppy has been annoying the crap out of me lately, but today, I hugged her in a moment of “I’m so glad you’re here, I love you, and I’m so sorry I yelled at you for eating your poop!”

Usually I complain about being moody. Usually when I’m moody, I’m in a cranky sort of mood. But this lovey dovey sappy mood? Other than the tears I shed thinking of how my teenage son is no longer that sweet innocent baby, it’s not so bad. Here’s to feeling the love!

Was it all a dream?

The memories of it are beginning to fade. Not because I'm forgetting, but because I'm choosing to not think about it. If I allow myself to think about it, I am reminded of what I don't have by the deep ache inside of me. This, you see, would be selfish. I have a lot to be thankful for. To mourn the past would make me feel as though I'm being ungrateful for what I do have. But just this once...

I vividly remember our first meeting. I remember walking across that parking lot. I remember feeling so unsure of myself. I remember the anxious flutter of the butterflies in my belly. I remember seeing you from a distance, wondering to myself, "Is that him?" I remember the fear. The fear of the unknown. I remember wondering if this was a mistake. But mostly, I remember the love I felt. A love that existed even before meeting you. A love that was a betrayal to my current life. A love that shouldn't have existed. But it did.

I remember falling to me knees before you. The first time I had ever done this for another. I remember looking up at you feeling only adoration. I remember the feel of your fist in my hair. I remember the feel of your hand around my throat. I remember the breath that was trapped in my lungs, awaiting  your permission to be released. I remember your hot breath in my ear. I remember your sweet voice telling me I was loved. I remember the feel of your body pressed heavily down onto mine. I remember the feel of your teeth biting into my back as you claimed me as Yours. I remember wanting more before it ended.

I had never felt so submissive to anyone before or since that time. I would have done anything you had asked of me. Even though I had my moments where I disobeyed (like when I insisted on locking that bathroom door), when it came down to it, I really would have done anything you had asked. I felt safe with you. I wanted you to know how much I loved you. I wanted to please you like no other. I gave my all to you. I willingly offered you everything and anything you wanted. My body, my heart, my soul.

How did this happen? How is it possible? Two random strangers, coming into contact online. Falling in love so quickly. How is that possible?

Time has passed. It's been over a year. Wow. Really? How can the time have passed so quickly? If I saw you today, I guarantee that it will feel like I just saw you yesterday. Like no time has passed. Like I am still Yours.

I craved you. I CRAVED you. I can't explain it any other way. Once, you asked me if it was you I loved, or if it was the D/s I loved. I knew the answer then, even if a small part of me asked the same question. A year later, I can without a doubt answer that it was NOT the D/s. I loved YOU.

The ferocity with which I craved you....it overwhelmed me. The feelings were that intense. It was something you read about, not something that you felt. I was insatiable. I couldn't get enough. I couldn't get close enough. I wanted more. I wanted so much more it astounded me. I didn't recognize these feelings.

It's been over a year since we began. It's been a year since we last saw each other.

So what would it be like if we bumped into each other on the street tomorrow? Would that electricity still be there? Would I be overcome with my need for you again? Would I still crave you?

I can answer without a doubt.

Yes.

Vanilla Husband turned Kinky?

So I know I've been inactive for a bit. I haven't forgotten about or abandoned blogging. I'd like to say that I will be able to write something worthwhile on a regular basis. Really, it's cathartic for me. But, I'd be lying to say that I wouldn't be taking mini breaks periodically. Life is just too hectic. I'm hoping some of it will calm down soon (Seriously, I'm due for a break). Anyway, between my 50+ hour a week job, a custody battle, some mild to moderate depression, a puppy, a teenager, a husband, a boyfriend, and many more things I don't care to mention at the moment....well, by the end of the day I'm literally collapsing in exhaustion.

On a side note, my vanilla husband is taking on more of an interest in some BDSM activities. We had a our first "scene" together over the weekend. It was great. A bit of rope, a flogger, a slapper, and a cane...He did great. I had to encourage him at times, I had to reassure him other times, but really, he did great. He enjoyed himself, which is what is most important to me. I love him as he is, vanilla or kinky, it doesn't matter to me. I love HIM. And if he decides he wants to be a part of the lifestyle, in whatever capacity, well, that's just a bonus for me! We're looking forward to attending his first event together in about 3 months. He's showing a particular interest in fire play and shibari and hoping to see and learn more at the 3 day event we will be attending. Double bonus for me!

DSM IV

So I was at work and showing a new nurse how to search through the medical codes to select the diagnosis she needed when creating her careplan. As I was scrolling through, I came across "sexual masochism" and "sexual sadism". Now mind you, I already knew they existed on the DSM IV. But I guess seeing it just shocked me for some reason. My initial reaction? "What?!? Are you kidding me!?!".

The new nurse jumped back and asked if I was alright. I'm sure I was blushing as I replied, "Ummm, yeah. I'm fine. Sorry, guess I was just suprised to see masochism and sadism listed there".

Wonder if I just outed myself?

Letting Go

What happens to a relationship when one or both of the person’s needs aren’t being met? The process of re-evaluating the relationship can be scary when there are strong feelings involved. When a relationship involves D/s, the feelings are bound (no pun intended) to be stronger than a lot of vanilla relationships. Not to discredit the love and strength of the feelings vanilla couples have for one another, but it’s just different. The level of trust and understanding is on a deeper level.

For the submissive, there might be a feeling of personal failure if the relationship doesn’t work. She (or he) might think about what she could have done differently, or how she could have tried harder. While this is true of any relationship, D/s takes it to a whole other level. The submissive will think about what her needs are, and wonder if she is wrong to feel the way she does when she desires more than she is getting. If she is giving all that her Dominant asks of her, shouldn’t she be satisfied with that? She may feel as if she is being selfish and may begin to question herself and wonder if perhaps she isn’t submissive at all. Many times, there are several other factors to take into consideration. Such as the fact that there isn’t always time or opportunity between work, children, and other responsibilities to ensure that all those needs are met.

It is imperative to keep the lines of communication open. Being honest with the other person as well as being honest with yourself is of the utmost importance. This can be a difficult thing to do, especially when you don’t want to face the fact that the relationship might be nearing the end. It’s so easy to think “Things will change. Things will get better. It’s just a rough patch”. We formulate all these little excuses in our head because we don’t want to lose hope. We don’t want to face the truth when we know it’s just not working. Letting go is never easy. But the bottom line is that when it’s just not working, when neither person is getting their needs met and there is no solution, it’s for the best to part ways. Don’t let it get to the point when one or both of you begin to resent the other.

Past, Present, and Future

The year’s 2009 and 2010 have been tough. I’ve had several major life changes, some good and some bad. Many of which are rated in the top 10 of serious stressors.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now, together for a few years before that. Our relationship was good most of the time, at least until we stopped talking to each other. Like a lot of people I guess, we just fell into this predictable routine and stopped making an effort. We had a major breakdown in communication, and just….grew apart. It didn't help that he was out of state for work and was able to come home only about 2 weekends per month. I loved him with all my heart, as he did me, but neither of us were happy, and with everything else going on in my life (death of a parent, a rebellious teenage son, the silent treatment from the other parent), well, to be honest, I just didn’t have the strength to fight for our relationship anymore.

He eventually left and filed for divorce. I knew it was a mistake, but I couldn't help but feel a sense of relief. Don't get me wrong, I was devastated. But it sucks to be in the same room with someone who is supposed to be your everything, and feel lonelier than you could think possible.

Around the same time, I also started exploring my kinky side, met people in the lifestyle and made some really great friends. I was finally getting out of the house and basically I just started living my life for myself. I felt accepted for just being me and it felt great to embark on this new journey in life. It just clicked. I had this wow moment, and realized that his is who I am. I met someone that had been there first as just a friend, someone who listened without judging, a shoulder to cry on, then later on, as the relationship grew, someone who I cared about very deeply and had became my Dominant. The friendship began close to the end of my marriage. Sir was there through all the tears and was my closest friend at that time. He often encouraged me to do my best to work on my marriage. He talked to me about my problems from a "man's point of view". He helped me realize some things, but I didn't have any hope. I didn't really listen. I didn't think anything he said really applied to my husband and I. Boy was I wrong.

As the months went past, I was still feeling a great amount of sorrow over the loss of my marriage. Despite all that we had gone through, I loved my husband and was grieving the loss of my family. Even though we weren't together anymore, I still considered him family more than most of my blood relatives. It was becoming difficult for Sir.....me holding onto all these feelings that didn't involve him.

One day my husband called me and admitted that he missed me, that he still loved me. We agreed to meet so we could talk. I had hinted around about some of the activities I had been doing in his absence. He really wanted hear about everything so I took a chance and opened up completely, telling him everything I had done and experienced in the several months he had been gone. Including, how after years of faithfulness, I had an affair during the last months of our relationship. It was quite a shock to him, to hear all I had to say. He was hurt, angry, relieved, happy, a whole mix of emotions that he could only try to describe. Even though he stepped back initially to digest it all, it finally opened up the lines of communication between us.

He left the traveling job and moved back home. The divorce was never finalized and after much thought and conversation between us, we decided to stop the divorce. We are talking more now than we ever had in the past, although I know we have lots more to talk about. He is trying as best as he can to be understanding and supportive of the changes in my life, even though it is difficult for him at times. He recognizes and is respectful of the feelings I have  for the man who is my Dominant. I am beyond amazed by this. The fact that he is willing to be so open-minded just.....blows my mind. I am also grateful for the caring acts of my Dom, who selflessly offered to “step aside“, to allow me to focus solely on my marriage. He told me that he would be there for me in whatever capacity I needed and/or wanted. Whether that meant us maintaining our relationship as is, being friends only, mentoring my husband in the lifestyle, or even severing all ties.

My husband is open to my maintaining that relationship, and  open to exploring the lifestyle with me, though we are unsure in what capacity. He has submissive traits, but even though at first I would have classified him as submissive, I no longer feel that way.  He has recently began to express an interest in asserting more control. He is having fun with some "light" play sessions, though he recognises that I desire and gain satisfaction from more intense sessions. Sir is a sadist, and though I don't consider myself an extreme masochist, I do like being pushed to my limits, which Sir does very well.

So here I am, with two caring, supportive men that I care about deeply. They are both respectful of my relationship with the other. And although it was a bit awkward at first, they have met and a friendship is developing. We all enjoy talking to one another and I can't believe how well this has worked out so far. I still think I'm dreaming at times. While this is all new to me, I do know that poly relationships take a lot of effort to make it work. I also know that our triad is a bit of a rarity as neither my husband nor my Sir are poly. I am the only relationship for either of them. I’m realistic about the possible pitfalls. I know this won't last forever. I’m not sure what the future holds, but for right now, I’m focusing on the present, and the two wonderful men in my life.
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　

Home Alone

This has been one crazy hectic week. My job is consuming me to the point that I can't seem to get anything done at home. Luckily my husband and I are on the same work schedule so we've at least managed to sneak in some good quality time together, even if it's for only short periods at a time. Getting in that time with my Sir is proving to be a challenge. We've managed to coordinate our schedules to allow us to at least eat dinner together approximately once a week. Twice if we're lucky. There is barely enough time for a daily phone call.

That's part of the reason I was looking forward to tonight. We had made plans to rent a movie, order a pizza, and just curl up on the sofa together. I know that doesn't sound very exciting. But we have not had any alone time together in a long time. We both miss it. Tremendously. And I'm quite sure that it would have led to some fun playtime as well.

It seems as though we are beginning to have some difficulties communicating effectively. I waited for him to call me. He was waiting for me to call him. By 8pm, I left my house to go rent a movie and called and left him a message while I was on the way. He returned my call just as I was about to pay for the movie. Turns out, he figured I wasn't going to call so he went ahead and got something to eat and was on his way home to go to bed!

I didn't stay on the phone for more than a minute after that. I was just too upset to talk. I had been looking forward to tonight all week. As I drove home, I was sad, and all I could think about was how badly I was craving some playtime. I long to feel the sharp sting of the cane, the dull heavy thud of the flogger, and the hard impact of the slapper. I was looking forward to that sore reminder the next day of a wonderful play session. ~sigh~

I'm hoping Sir and I can get in some quality time soon. I'm beginning to worry about what will happen if we can't find enough time for each other. I'm worried we will soon start to drift apart. I know it will happen one day. But I'm just not ready for it now.

Me? Write a Blog?

I've never been much of a writer. Actually, I've always hated being made to write. You know, like when you had a class assignment, were given a topic, and told to write an essay or whatever it is that was wanted. I despised it. I always sat there, my mind completely blank, getting more and more frustrated by the minute.  And whatever finally came out was stupid. Completely and utterly stupid.

I'm hoping this is going to be different. I used to keep a diary as a kid. The words just flowed as the thoughts raced through my mind. It was like therapy in a way. I always felt better afterward. And I am a part of a few social networking sites. I know, unique right? Anyway, I'm told by friends that I am very eloquent with words. And I find that I can express myself better when communicating via email or writing a letter versus talking face to face. I'm not the greatest at forming the words when speaking that truly conveys what I mean or how I'm feeling. So hopefully this blog won't be a complete and utter failure. And by failure, I mean that I personally don't achieve a sense of satisfaction from it. I don't ever expect others to be interested enough to actually read it. At least, that's not my goal here.

Anyway, I'll be back another evening. I need to get some sleep.